Lost Souls; On our way Home

Why, The Lost Souls?

*walang prologue prologue*

Nicola Yslah Bermudez-Zamora, RPm

Everything is ready for my celebration. I even asked for a gift which is my own place where I can stay and study alone since after the board exam, I am going to start med school. My things are in fact ready. Resulta nalang ang inaantay ko and I am certain that I'll the exam, I will.

Until it happens ...

Months after ...

Tatlong buwan.

Tatlong buwan na simula nung makuha ko yung result ko sa board exam.

Tatlong buwan na din akong nagtatanong kung saan ako nagkulang.

Tatlong buwan na din akong nagkukulong lang sa bahay namin.

Tatlong buwan mula nang malaman kong hindi ako nakapasa sa board exam para maging isang license Psychometrician.

And now gone the happy-go-lucky Nicola Yslah. Now all I see is the Yslah who failed, the Islah who's not intelligent enough. The Yslah is a failure.

The Magna Cum Laude who failed her board exam.

The stupid me.

The Student Excellence Awardee who failed her board exam

The College President who failed her board exam.

There's no other way to look at me right now. For me every time I look in the mirror the only person I see is the same person who fails.

And I don't know when I am going to look at this failure.

And today is the new day that I am going to endure this feeling. Araw araw simula nung matanggap ko ang resulta ay naging ganito na ako. Lalabas lang ng kwarto kung kakain o may kailangan ako sa labas. Minsan ay hinahatid pa dito sa kwarto ko yung pagkain kapag ayoko talagang lumbas.

It's already nine thirty am and I am still in my sleepwear, my hair is everywhere and I haven't taken a bath since yesterday. I stood up from my bed and tried to look around my room to look for something to do.

I only saw my sketch pad in the trash bin. Crumpled.

I don't feel like reading.

I look and look for something to do but the only thing that I have inside my room is trash and junk food packaging.

While trying to look for something, I happen to look at the mirror that's in my room. It is a full-length mirror that reflects my whole me. Mula ulo hanggang paa ko kitang kita kung gaano ako kamiserable. Kung gaano ako kalungkot. Kung gaano ako kawalang kwenta.

Wearing the same sleepwear I am wearing since yesterday, my hair is in a messy bun, dark circles under my eyes, and my lips are too dry. I feel and look miserable. Malayo sa dating Yslah na laging nakaayos at mukang masaya. Ngayon kitang kita ko sa mga mata ko kung paanong wala akong ibang nararamdaman kundi sakit at pagkalungkot.

Without second thought, mabilis kong kinuha yung salamin at binuhat para ilabas ng kwarto ko. Wala akong balak makita sya sa araw araw. Sya na palatandaan na isa akong failure.

Pagbukas ko ng pintuan ng kwarto ko ay agad kong nakita si mama. Siguro kakatukin nya ako sa kwarto ko para ayaing kumain o kung ano mang pwedeng gawin para lang lumabas ako ng kwarto ko.

"What are you gonna to that?" tanong nya nung makita yung full-length body mirror na dala dala ko.

"Itatapon ko lang po" I told her. "Pakisabi nalang po kay Mang Ramon na pakikuha po nito dito sa labas ng kwarto ko"