Dumb, Slightly Funny, Sarcastic OneShots

Mugman x Reader

If you're in my close friend group, you'll know why I'm writing this. If not, don't ask.

> Your P.O.V <

I sat on the riverbank, watching my friend Cala Maria swim and perform tricks. At some point Hilda Berg had come to join in with my watching, but Hilda's was more... wistful, and mine was just mindless daydreaming.

It was not long after Hilda joined me that I realised something:

Every single one of my thoughts drifted back to a blue boy with a mug for his head.

Honestly I didn't particularly know why.

He had stood out to me the most during the celebration party, and I had felt something sharp in my stomach when Cala Maria kissed him on the cheek as a thank you, but that was more likely to be my best friend Mariahria Nailfingers, poking me in the stomach because her crush, Ernest Goodhair, had walked past and winked at us.

I stood up to walk over to her house and ask her about the party. I reached her seven storey mansion, rose up in her elegant outside elevator and knocked on her balcony door. Within seconds, Mariahria had opened the door wide open and clasped me by the shoulders, her cheeks pink and eyes shining.

I walked into her room, flopped on the bed and waved my hand, as if to tell her to shut up. I cut straight to the chase while she perched neatly on the edge of the armchair, waiting for my question.

"So who was that mug dude at the party?"

"That guy?" she blinks. "That's Mugman. He's a less better version of his brother Cuphead, cause we all know Cuphead best boi"

"NO" I stand up to slap her. "Mugs is best boi"

We stand in shock for a second. Then I run out, leap off her balcony, down seven storeys and land on my feet, catlike. I bound all the way to the forest and arrive where I wanted to be. I slam on the door, shove the old kettle out of the way when he asks who I am, I run all the way upstairs, bolt through their door, stand in the middle of the room to take one deep breath and then tackle hug Mugman.

"UM WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Is what he immediately says, struggling in my iron-like grasp. Cuphead watches on in wonder as my arms clamp tighter around Mugs and he struggles to breathe. I loosen my grip, then grin at him.

My hair? Perfect.

My skin? Flawless.

My eyes? Big and blue and beautiful.

I look absolutely stunning, even thought I just ran an ungodly number of miles to get here.

"MARRY ME" I say, and before I get an answer everything around me goes black.

> Mugman's P.O.V <

Some girl bursts into my room and tackles me to my bed. Naturally I struggle, trying to get myself away from the beast. "WHO ARE YOU?" I yell, and she looks up at me with wide, hazel eyes and large pupils. She must have been snorting cocaine for hours to be this high.

Her bright red face smiles, showing a line of jagged yellowish teeth, and she says "MARRY ME".

Suddenly, she goes limp, and I wriggle around to see Elder Kettle holding a tranquilliser gun and an FBI badge.

His facial expression is grim, and he drags her off me and into a black van. When the van drives away, I turn to Cuphead. We look at each other, nod, and say simultaneously:

"That's just how the mafia works."

Thanks for reading, I hope you laughed at some bits. I'm not sorry.

Full disclaimer: This was 100% a joke. Nothing was meant seriously by it and if anything offended you please let me know and I will make an effort to change it.

Thanks, y'all, byeee