First Kiss

23

I finish two bowls of food before I wonder if Cole's okay. I don't hear his voice anymore.

"Where's the bathroom?" I ask. Lucas points vaguely down the hall. I remember where it is, if I'm being honest. I just needed an excuse to go towards the room to see if Cole is alright.

There's silence. He's not on the phone anymore. I text him just to make sure.

u ok?

Yea

You want me to bring u food?

There's a slight hesitation.

Yes plz

I bring him back a plate of food, and he begins eating a little. I then briefly look around his bedroom. It's changed a lot. No more Percy Jackson, no more Legos, or Minecraft. Not even Star Wars. The bright colors were gone. Everything was dark blue or white or black. A nice color scheme, but somehow the room still lacked character. But I can't say anything; my house is as dry as sand.

"It looks so different," I say, looking back at Cole, who's sat on the floor eating. He shrugs. I don't push the whole phone call thing. If he wants to share, he will.

I look at his bookshelf, where all of the old books are in the back at the bottom. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus, a few of the Star Wars books and the Amulet series. He used to read a lot of those. He was a better reader than me back then.

I pick up one of the old favorites, brushing off the thin layer of dust that has built up on the cover.

"I miss these," I say. "They were amazing."

New books are on the middle shelves. The Outsiders, Ender's Game, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Bronze Bow are now on the shelves. Then there's huge books like War and Peace. 

The top shelf is a bunch of swim and basketball trophies, a stuffed Pikachu, and a picture of him and his siblings.

Eliana looks older. I'm guessing the picture was taken within the past year.

"She doesn't deserve it," he says abruptly, his voice quiet. He doesn't meet my eyes.

I nod.

"She'll be okay."

His face falls.

"The tests came back positive. She definitely has cancer."

I feel all the blood drain from my face.

"Oh no..."

Cole has finished his food now.

I set the book back on the shelf and sit down next to him. His breath is shaky, but he shows no sign of tears, or sadness. Just shock.

"It hasn't hit me yet," he murmurs."She must be scared."

I nod, feeling as though he was a little boy.

"Sorry, I should've let you eat in peace. Do you want more food?"

He shakes his head.

"I'm good. And you weren't bothering me or anything."

I nod, blinking back tears. You cannot cry right now, Brianna. Man, how did we even get here? I still don't know him.

"I should get going. Let me take that for you." I reach for his empty plate. He takes it and stands up, and I reel back.

"I'll walk you out," he says.

His face is dark and grave. He seems tired. Numb. What was I expecting? For him to break down in front of me? Because of some friendship we had in middle school? No, of course not.

I guess I expected just a bit more emotion. Something that would bring us closer. I didn't want to be like this forever: at this awkward grey space where I didn't know where I stood with him. Was I an acquaintance? No...he trusted me of all people to talk to him. Fellow student? Yeah. Seems to be glossing it a little bit though. Friend? Sort of...

So many unanswered questions. I don't want to call him friend yet...this could all just be temporary. We're being forced to work together. What if this is all fake...destined to crumble?

A lot of friendships have been like that. Sad but true...

I can't help but expect him to completely ignore me next year. All he needs is a little time. Why would a guy like him even want to associate himself with a girl like me? That's like...I don't know.

Let's be honest...before this play, I didn't want to associate myself with him either. I've explained my reasons.

I guess that's my ever-growing question: What do I want in a friend? 

I guess I've been saying I only have one friend, meaning Lex, but I guess that's not true. I occasionally talk to a lot of people in my classes. It just never seems like a true friendship, like one that will last.

I want friendships to last. It just never works out for me.

"You okay, Bri?" Cole asks, snapping me out of my trance.

I instantly feel bad. His sister is in the hospital and I'm worrying about my social life.  I should really stop thinking about myself and think about others instead. That's my problem: I've been thinking about myself this whole year. Who I'm going to be, how I'm going to act, how everything would benefit me.

"Yeah. You?"

He shrugs. His face is all closed up again. He's so emotional but yet so...guarded.

We stop at his driveway.

"Thanks for coming," he says quietly, shadow hiding his expression.

"It was no problem," I reply. "I'll be by to bring you your homework...unless you want Jack to bring it--"

"No. Jack and I...we're done."

I can't help smiling slightly.

"Goodnight, Cole," I say, waving and heading back home.