What You Mean To Me

Daniel

Daniel had always known everything about his life was different. When the kids at school talked, they sounded so happy, so chill compared to him. Mama said it didn't matter as long as he was happy with what he had, and she'd make sure he was happy to the best of her abilities. 

What he wanted was a Daddy who liked him, who wanted to spend time with him. 

When Mama became sick, at first he didn't understand. He'd never experienced stress, or loss first hand, but why Mama was hiding it from Daddy, THAT he didn't understand. It was easy, they never saw each other except on rare occasions like a formal dinner request from his parents. He didn't even have "grandparents", he had a "Sir and Madam". Anything else made them feel old.

His parents never made any attempt to be together except when they were very pretty to look at. He guessed could be thankful for that, because of it, he had a beautiful handsome, clean strong face and blond hair came from his Mama. All were in agreement that he was striking. 

When Mama asked what he wanted to do with his life, he said, "Model, I like having people look at me." He was 12. Now, he was 17 and it hadn't changed, just expanded to include being both a stage and movie actor. He could write scripts, so maybe even to do a bit of directing and producing, but first, while he had his looks, model. 

Mama had said he had drive and ambition. She was right. He needed to graduate in order to stand up to his father first. 

He thought hard as he sat in the limousine the family was using during the mourning period. Sighing to himself, He passed a piece of paper to the driver and said, "Here, please."

Leaning back, he waited to arrive at the the studio. He practiced everyday. He took out the crumpled personal letter from Mama and began to read. 10 minutes later, with tears still rolling down his cheeks he got out of the limousine as soon as it stopped without seeing where it was.

He could hear the driver yelling but he never stopped or looked back. This was a more of a personal letter, and it was written the way Mama talked. She should have said this when she was alive, so he could have been angry, and yelled... vented. Not just cried.

How could Mama say she'd known for years that he was gay and not told him? That she'd loved him enough to allow him the joy and hardship of the journey of self-discovery, self-loathing and self-love that everyone needs to go through no matter what your sexuality is? That she was deeply regretting dying before holding his hand through to the end.

That she loved him so much that she wanted himto know the people most important to her, that she gave up her life to protect them? In return, she had me, Daniel, her greatest joy. 

Now, in return, could I trust Mama enough to trust those strangers over Daddy and those stone cold grandparents until I turn 25 and have full access to the trust? They seem interesting but if I leave, I can never go back. Never.

*  *  *  *  *

Four years later, Trey and Ryan held hands, looking proudly at Daniel on the stage. Sitting next to them was Jenn with her partner Christal and their daughter, Mari. They were feeling anxious and proud all at the same time. The past four years had not been easy but the six of them had struggled through. In the past year, another young man had joined the group, Daniel's partner, at least for now. 

The new boy had a simple name: James. All of them liked it but the boy. He felt it wasn't becoming a fashion designer with promise. So, he kept trying out all sorts of weird, stupid names and throwing temper tantrums when no one called him by the new name. Silly boy. Jenn still had no tolerance for ignorance so was forever taking him down a notch and making Daniel smile while calming him at the same time.