What You Mean To Me

Lisa

How did I ruin all my friendships from school? it's easy... fall in love and be afraid to admit your scared of homosexuals. How could I not know one of my friends was gay for 2.5 years? Why didn't my best friend tell me?

The even sadder part is being ashamed of feeling this way and not being able to admit it. I knew it was wrong back then, I know it's wrong now, but how do you turn off how you feel, how you were raised? It was drilled into me that nice girls don't associate with "those types" and if "I want to be clean" I will do as I'm told.

I always did as I'm told, I never rebelled. Well, up until the day I told Ryan I had a crush on him and would he go out with me. I had promised Daddy I wouldn't date until I went to University, but I was smitten with his blond, good looks and he was safe, having a reputation for not even kissing. 

I missed those 3 friends terribly for years, with only Ryan making overtures, not that I would have accepted Jenny and Trey back, but it didn't stop the heartache. Now I knew why I could talk about clothes, hair and boys so easily. School was so hard with superficial friends wanting my social connections and money.

I missed the football and baseball games, the fast food I wasn't allowed and the sneaky parties they treated me too. I was back to being Princess Lisa all the time and I hated it. My closet was raided and if I had a pair of soft, well worn jeans, they were replaced with designer. I had a look. I wore dresses when everyone else wore denim. I hated standing out. I hated my makeup and hairdo's.  I wanted to be normal.

Only Jenny understood and treated me like a kid when I was a kid, and when I was a teen, like a teen. But then Ryan wanted her instead of me, and we fought. Stupid Jenny didn't even date him. I would have been okay with it but she stood aside for Trey! That was NOT okay. 

That's why... Daddy would have made me change schools knowing gays were here. At least I could watch them from afar, make sure they were still all okay. But things were never okay again. I really screwed up. When I finally graduated for good, and started working as a lawyer, I escaped Daddy, and met Ryan. I did a bad thing and confessed the whole thing just before the high school reunion. Alcohol and I are a bad mix. Ryan just held me while I cried. 

Ryan kept telling me that I should tell them, they'd understand and help me. I know it's too late for a reconciliation. Now, I'm okay with that. I'll have acquaintances, but never make friends. It's too painful when you loose someone. 

Ryan, safe Ryan just dropped a bomb into my world and I can't cope. He had sex with both of them. HOW could he? I know the techniques... but maybe why is the better word? Did he want Jenny so bad that Trey was collateral damage? I wonder what all of them would say if they knew I'm still technically a virgin? Ah, who cares?

It's my life!

Life was moving along, boring but profitable. Daddy kept setting me up on acceptable dates. I was great at avoiding them but then, he introduced me to a really good looking man who suited my looks. We signed a contract that was mutually profitable to us both without our parents knowing. He kept his life and I kept mine. 

I would have a child by artificial insemination and he'd never lay a hand on me. In return, I'm his perfect trophy wife. It will work out beautifully. It has too.

Outside of my very insular world, I'm very busy. My practice is booming. I've taken on some of the most horrific domestic cases there are and I'm successful. I'm an excellent wife and mother as well. I have a son who's doing well. I'm so glad I didn't have a daughter. 

Ryan's popped up out of the blue after years of not speaking. Jenny is moving away and there is a going away party. He's insistent that I have to be there and as his plus 1. Why? My legal instinct says he wants me to see something so I'll go. I'm wary already.