1:55am
The darkness of the room comforts me. Not complete darkness, but the darkness that is slightly illuminated by the dull brightness of the television screen which provides unnecessary background music, just to make the room feel a bit less lonely. Mind wandering so rapidly, trapped inside my heads and thoughts, not necessarily on depressing thoughts, but in over-analysis. The exact rapidness and lack of presentness that causes my mind to connect thought after thought, a constant habit that those around me tend to notice.
So many thoughts cram themselves into my brain at, what feels as though, the same exact second, in an attempt to be able to think the idea fully without forgetting it and the forty others in your mind. Never once having felt the stability of truly having my mind wander free in a calm manner upsets me. Ive only ever felt this rapidness in my brain and I don't know why. I don't need to, well a lot of the time I do, but.
I yearn to feel true tranquility.
Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for me to truly earn that feeling. I wonder if I continue to clean my heart and go on this clearer path, I will feel that true tranquility that is what I find the true aim of life.
Does a clean, string heart truly lead to bliss?
I hope so and I feel in my heart that it does. I think I'm already on my way there.. I've been through quite a bit from life and I don't expect some sort of validation. Honestly, I don't.
I don't wish those that have hurt me or done me wrong harm. I don't really have malicious thoughts in mind. Well, at least, not towards others. An unintentional habit of depressing thoughts rushes my mind, which then leads to the pain in my heart. But it's mostly.
