Open The Door

Life Sentence

January, I started school at my new school after transferring from Whittier Tech to Haverhill High School. I was happy to be around people I know and I enjoyed school very much. I loved my friends and my teachers. I had a great old time with my best friends, Barney, Dariana, and Maddy. Maddy and Barney were more closer with me, we were all like the 3 amigos.  

Barney, Maddy, and I had sleepovers at my house all the time. We had to tell my parents' Barney was gay for him to be able to stay. I soon caught feelings for him. I sooner or later confessed my feelings for him to him. We dated, we were a recent couple, I was dating my best friend, I was happy. That is until it all ended.

I had came out of the closet not too long before we dated, so he knew I was Transgender, that I wanted to be a boy. Maddy confronted him about calling me his "Girlfriend". After that he stopped talking to me, this went on for a full week. He wouldn't look at me, speak to me, text me, all he did was avoided me. I knew our breakup was coming, and  I just didn't want to lose my best friend, I cried for months... Well I still cry about it, I really miss being his friend, and I feel the need to go and apologize to him. Anyways, the time came and we broke up with our school's library. I wanted to know why we broke up. His reason was "We didn't really do anything different." Note that we were dating for a little over 1 week, and he avoided me for 1 week.  I contacted my friend Sophia, and I told her to ask why we broke up. She did. He said something along the lines of "I wanted a girlfriend and I saw the opportunity". This broke my heart. 

After all the drama with him settled down, I became more depressed, I tried to keep it hidden, I still do, I haven't told my friends about this, about the reason why I don't show up to school, The reason why I don't like to wake up from my amazing dreams, The reason why I love to be alone. It's him. I hate to admit it still, but it is him. I'm short tempered now, I've been running away from home more often with no where to go, and every time I leave that house I wonder if I should go walk to his house to apologize, but I don't know if he would even let me speak. So Maddy, Sophia, Dariana, Anyone I know personally... If you find this and I'm gone, Tell him I'm sorry I truly am sorry and that I miss him most and that I love him (as a friend) even though we aren't speaking. I've talked to my Therapist  about him. Mainly about him, she knows it breaks my heart, I started seeing her after all the drama. I cry every time I think or talk about him, I've been able to control the crying when I think of him part, but when I speak of him or even hear his name.... That's when I break out in tears. 

My parents are no good. My mom has a warrant out for her arrest, my dad has anger issues and is on probation. My dad is cheap, he saves money way too much and doesn't spend it on his children like he should, he's a veteran so he gets money from the VA, Most of which, Is meant for his children. My mom on the other hand, she doesn't know how to save money whatsoever. She can spend he whole $100 paycheck in one day. We work the same job but different positions, she gets $11/h and more hours. I get $9/h and can only work for 5 hours, I live off a $48 paycheck every week, and I save some of it until the next paycheck. This week I messed up but I don't care. My parents don't care much for the children. I mostly do. I'm their parent by default. 

My other relatives don't believe I'm Transgender, and say I should not transition. 

I'm just depressed, and because of my depression I have to stay back from school and I'm lossing contact with most of my friends. I sometimes dream about a world without me, and everyone is happy. I'm no longer afraid of death, I cannot feel love anymore either. I'm numb from everywhere. I'm sorry to everyone if I take my own life, I dream of becoming a navy seal, I am not afraid of dying. If I do live to become a navy seal then honor me. If I die without becoming a navy seal Burn me. Burn my body to ash and dump it at my home, or by the time anyone sees this. My house in Haverhill, right where my room is, I want to be with uncle Michael. 

This is a short story, If I write more then I write more. But please remember my will.