João loves cinnamon.
To state the obvious, he would practically try anything that contains the aromatic spice.
The band once bought a box of Cinnabon and even before Russell could get one, João already had one bun on his left hand. It was the first time that Russell was second to getting the food.
That's probably why João placed a cinnamon whiskey, along with some candy bars, in his shopping cart.
It was late and the drive back home is long, and João isn't sure why he's far away from town.
Or why he placed an alcoholic drink among his midnight cravings.
His sunglasses and his blue baseball cap served as his disguise while he's pushing the cart around. Deciding that there's nothing left to pick up, he paid for everything and went back outside.
He heard the chimes ring as he closed the store entrance. His eyes squinted and focused on the blinking lamp post.
It must be broken.
But at least there's hope. It's still turning on.
Meanwhile, somewhere inside João's brain, there isn't any light left.
Sighing at the dull analogy, he opened his car door and turned the engine on.
When he arrived home, he immediately slumped against his bed and opened the drink.
He hated how he had to resort to drinking alcohol to try to erase the memories of that one Saturday night from his mind.
Of course, his plan was doomed to fail. The more he was drowning himself with whiskey, the more vivid things got inside his brain.
He remembered it clearly. There was nothing special about that night at all.
The boys just decided to go out and have a great time. They rarely get breaks because of their busy schedule, and they're glad to have found the time to unwind.
The boys rented a room for themselves. There were drinks all over the place and a karaoke booth ready for them to enjoy.
Naturally, Tristan got ahold of the mic first. João noticed Ford being busy with his phone, looking very serious and engrossed.
"Ford, mamaya na yan. Nandito tayo para mag-enjoy," he told the older guy.
Ford just laughed heartily.
"Ito naman. Nakita ko lang kasi yung pinost mo sa Instagram. Paturo naman ng mga posing mo," he teased João and nudged him by the elbow.
João just jokingly rolled his eyes at him and bit his lip.
"Ayan oh. Yang mga pa kagat-labi mo talaga eh."
This time João snorted. He knows what will happen if he keeps the conversation going.
"Ewan ko sa'yo."
He tried to suppress a smile, biting his cheek from the inside.
The night was long. Tristan was the first to get drunk. It was now Russell and Niel who were holding the microphones and singing ballads.
Ford was tipsy, too. He rested his head on João's free shoulder and the latter didn't mind at all.
Not until Ford started to lean closer and whispered something to his ear.
"Gusto kita, João."
It made the younger guy's knees tremble and his heart race so fast but he knew he should keep his cool.
Ford was not in his normal state after all.
He looked at him tenderly and was terrified to ask Ford to repeat what he had just declared, but he felt the need to do so. It was now or never.
Their bandmates were too oblivious to notice what they were up to, anyway. So he took the chance.
"What did you just say, Ford?" he asked, his voice sounding just above a whisper.
Ford's squinted eyes were bored into João's, his face red because of the whiskey.
Before he could even answer, Ford passed out.
João internally slapped himself. He shouldn't be thinking about that night again. But how couldn't he? It has crossed his mind a hundred times yet he still gets the same feeling as when it actually happened.
He was confused as hell.
He shook his head several times, trying to brush the crazy thoughts away. He took a swig of whiskey, his hands reaching for his hair, tormenting his scalp as if it would help him forget.
João needed answers.
He didn't know anything besides the fact that the feeling was so new to him.
It wasn't bad, per se. It's just a little strange for a feeling.
His heart thumps a little louder until the ringing gets caught up in his ears, and his palms turn a little sweaty, but most importantly, he feels lighter.
Like, Ford could smile at him and João could feel like he can suddenly do anything.
It's like being in your comfort zone where you're free from all worries.
You just feel safe.
The momentary glances they exchanged were enough to prove that there was something going on, that there are words not either one of them wants to say, and that there are some conversations they both want to avoid.
João doesn't want to admit that there's some truth egging on him right after Ford's little declaration.
He knows that whether he likes it or not, they are going to have to come up with a conclusion.
It wasn't that hard to figure it out, he thought.
The only hard part is, he doesn't want to admit it.
Not yet.
