Defy Desire

Chapter 9 - Tom

I twirled the glass slowly around and around in my hand as it hung over the arm of the chair, listening to the movement of the whirlpool of scotch in the silence of my lounge. The fire was blazing, and I could feel the heat pushing against my face, I was sat that close. I was alone in the silence with my thoughts. I was always content with my loneliness. I was comfortable with it, and never spent a lot of time deep in thought unless it regarded a situation with a patient that I needed to figure out.

The words John spoke to me still lingered in my mind from that day he'd told me about the case reopening, down in the labs. It was a long-forgotten memory. A time in my life I avoided reliving every day since it happened. My life was back in order, I had moved on from that time and locked the dreadful memories in a chest in the depths of my mind and never allowed myself to retrieve the key. Yet, here I was, reliving it all. The chest had burst open, and its contents were scattered profusely, throughout the whole of my mind.

John had promised to keep me informed on any updates going on that I was being kept in the dark from, as so far, nothing had been formally reported to me. They were keeping it amongst themselves, until they gained something solid to bring me in for. So far, with no word from the board, I took the silence as good news, hoping it meant they weren't coming to a decision that would jeopardise my whole career.

John was a good friend to me. As a member of the board, he had been by my side during the whole ordeal, and once again here he was, risking his own position to help me. If word got out that this was happening, all respect for me would vanish, and my main concern was someone letting details of this case slip. Someone, also meaning her. She had been listening that day...she was eavesdropping. Didn't she understand how rude that was? Didn't her parents raise her with more respect? How much she heard, I was unsure, but based on her reaction when we discussed it, she didn't seem to know any actual details. If she had, she would have avoided me like the plague, and I'm sure her group of friends would have known by now, and therefore, the rest of the department also.

Not only that, I didn't want her to know about it. She would lose her respect for me. She would come face to face with me in the corridor and turn back as quick as she could. She would file a request to avoid working in my O.R. I couldn't help but feel a sinking notion in my stomach at the thought of this.

As much as the thoughts of my past ate away at me once again, it didn't make the thoughts of her go away. I knew better. I knew better than to act in any way beyond professional with her. I ignored this knowledge. I allowed myself to take in her beauty and admire her mannerisms. She was so nervous today when I made her work with me, she was shaking. She thought it was unnoticeable, and it probably was, but not to me. I also noticed the way her nerves disappeared the second she received a smile from me. She had needed my reassurance.

I knew where she'd be tonight. I heard her and her friends in the corner of the staff room discussing their plans for their night out. It reminded me of her age, and the thought stung slightly. It knocked a measure of sense into me and was a momentary wake-up call that lasted until I saw her again, hiding at the back of the group during the team briefing. It almost made me smile and encourage her to join, but my patience that day was thin after having no sleep the night before, giving me no energy to be joking around. I also didn't want to embarrass her.

I pictured her, drunk and vulnerable in the city. I wondered what she wore. It was now after 1am, she would certainly be very drunk. I wondered if she was still inside a club with her friends. What if she was alone? What if they'd left her? What if she was wandering around the city, intoxicated and vulnerable? Or maybe she was home already, sleeping the alcohol off. She seemed a sensible young woman, I imagined she knew her limits. She probably was at home sleeping.

A crackle of the fire broke my thoughts, giving me the realisation that I had let my mind run away, once again, with this girl. I cursed myself for getting too deep in thought, and brushed the images away, getting up from my chair.

I threw back the remainder of my scotch and retired to bed.