SLOW BURN

32. yeah, I know

NATALIE

My legs shake as I walk out of Louisa's house. I don't even know what just happened. How did things get out of hand so quick? I thought I was doing good. Seeing Josh again did shake something up in me. I didn't want to come but Crystal convinced me it was a good idea to get it over with. I knew that the moment I saw him, my body would respond the same way it always does whenever he's around.

I was right.

I missed him so much. I still do. Seeing him simply wasn't enough and that's what I was afraid of. I also didn't want to see him with Cassie. I hate seeing her with him. I hate the way she looks at him and the way she looks for any excuse to touch him. I absolutely hate it. It makes my insides burn with jealousy.

I repeat what he said in my head. "I don't think Natalie would like that." I was shocked that he had said that. He actually called me out in front of everyone. His eyes were angry and daring at the same time. He looked so hot. I loved that I had his attention. I loved that he was looking at me. I think that's what fueled me to reply to him in that same tone. I accepted his dare. "I don't have a girlfriend." I think I liked that best out of everything. He was looking at me when he said that as if he wanted me to know. I don't know how I made it two months without seeing him or talking to him. I can't believe he still talks to me after what I made him go through.

"What. Just. Happened?" I ask as we walk.

"Uh, you and Josh decided to start flirting in front of everyone is what just happened," Crystal says raising her eyebrows.

We were flirting in front of everyone...and I didn't care. For once, I didn't think about Brad or anyone that was around us when I looked at Josh and told him I would love it if he came. I meant it. I wanted to flirt with him. I wanted everyone to see us flirting. Especially Cassie. I haven't spoken to her about Josh. She occasionally throws his name here and there in conversation but I always try to divert it. It's really hard to live with her now knowing that she is all in with him. I have started to look into moving out. I can't go on avoiding her forever.

I've spend the last two months avoiding Cassie and looking for ways to keep me busy to not miss Josh, to forget him. But tonight, seeing him looking at me, I haven't felt this alive since the last time I was with him. My body felt his presence. It was like letting go a breath that I have been holding. Ever since that night-when he told me he loved me-there has been this hole inside of me. It's as if he took a piece of me when he walked out the door and I have been going crazy trying to get it back but I know that I never will. Josh will always have a piece of me and there is only one explanation for that.

"Oh my god." I whisper as I stop dead on my tracks.

Crystal stops and looks at me. "You okay?"

I press my hand on my chest suddenly feeling out of breath. I look at her. "Crystal, I think I'm in love with Josh."

It sounds crazy saying it aloud but saying it and hearing it come from my lips, makes me realize the truth in my words. It's the reason he makes my skin burn. It's the reason I could kiss him all day-that I can be with him all day and night and still want him the next day. It's the reason I miss him so much right now like I've never missed anyone else. That's why I broke down when he left that night. That's why I felt so lifeless, so empty.

"Yeah, I know," Crystal says casually.

I frown. "What do you mean you know?"

She smiles. "Natalie, you were willing to give him up so he could have a chance in getting what he wants because you knew you couldn't give it to him. You didn't realize it then but that was your declaration of love."

I think about what she just said with a frown on my face. I guess it makes sense. I thought that my inability to give him what he wanted meant that I didn't love him. If I didn't love him then it was logical for me to give him up. If you don't love someone the way they love you, holding on to them is cruel and selfish. I didn't want to do that to Josh. He deserves better. So I gave him up and tried to move on. I tried to forget him and I tried to not miss him but I failed...because I love him. I've said it before. You don't forget the people you love in one month or two or three or a year or maybe ever.

"I love him," I whisper in the darkness. "Oh my god." I turn my head. "Should I go tell him?"

Crystal laughs. "If you want to. I'm sure he'd be ecstatic."

I smile. Yes. He would be, right? Then my smile fades. Would he forgive me for hurting him? I think about him sitting out in the backyard enjoying the party in his honor surrounded by his family and colleagues. No. It's not the right time or place. Not tonight. I feel like I should prepare a speech for him. Something big so he can forgive me. I can't believe this. I love Josh Andrews. My childhood best friend. My secret affair. I still don't feel brave enough to come clean to our families but I want him to know that I love him. I want to apologize for being such a fool.

"It's not the time," I say turning around. We continue to walk until we reach my car.

"You'll see him tomorrow," Crystal says with a smirk.

I shake my head at her with a smile. She's right. I'll see him tomorrow. I can tell him tomorrow. "Will it be okay if I stay with you tonight?" I ask Crystal as I drive. "I really don't want to run into Cassie in the apartment. I just know she's going to ask me what tonight was about and I really don't want to talk to her."

"Of course, girlfriend. We're leaving early tomorrow anyway."

"Thank you." I smile at her.

Crystal has been my support system for the past two months. I'm so grateful for her friendship. I don't think I would be where I am now if it weren't for her. She's turning twenty-five tomorrow and I'm so happy I get to celebrate it with her. I've been out with her in the past few weeks and she's really fun to be around. I intend to have fun tomorrow.

I stop by my apartment to grab my bag which was already packed then drive us to Crystal's place. I hardly get any sleep that night. I keep thinking about my big revelation. I love Josh. I'm in love with him. How could I not realize it before? I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartbreak. These past two months without him wouldn't have happened. He would still be by my side. Now I run into the risk of him not forgiving me. The possibility of him and Cassie is still there and she will be there tomorrow. I'll have to find a way to speak with Josh. I need him to know that I love him.

The next morning, Crystal drives us to Newport. The house she rented is about a mile away from my parent's inn so we go there and have breakfast with them. I invited Savannah earlier in the week but she's working so she won't be able to make it. We prep for the party all afternoon. We go get drinks and food. It's a lot of fun. We set up patio fire torches outside to set a boundary for the dance floor which is literally on the sand outside.

Everyone starts arriving at around six in the evening. The DJ is already blasting music and people get into it very quickly. I'm not surprised that Crystal knows a lot of people. She's a very cool person and it's so refreshing to be around her. She introduces me to everyone as they come and I try to remember their names even though I know I won't remember anything by the end of the day.

I hang out with Crystal but keep looking around the crowd, waiting for Josh. I begin to lose hope that he'll come. Brad arrives with Gunner and some of his other friends but I know I can't ask him about Josh.

He's not going to come.

The thought makes me feel a bit sad which is so not the mood for a party so I reach for a beer and begin to drink, determined to have fun.

"Hey, Nat! Let's go get wet!" Crystal yells over the music.

"Let's go!"I say excitedly then follow her to the ocean drinking my sorrows away.

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