SLOW BURN

46. another day

JOSH

It's too late.

I'm too late.

Too much time has passed by.

I'm an idiot. I never should have let Natalie go.

It's crazy how fast time passes even when you're unhappy. Even if you're the most miserable man in the world. Time doesn't care if you're happy or sad. Time will just keep going without permission. And now I might be too late.

I didn't realize that I was waiting on Brad to let her go until he had that conversation with me. I didn't realize that I was waiting for him to forgive me to be free. Waiting felt right but waiting could now cost me the love of my life. A year has gone by without hearing her voice or seeing her face, her smile. I don't know how she's doing-if she's moved on. There would not be anyone else to blame but myself.

I spent the last year angry at myself and regretting my actions. I wanted to look for her many times but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew I still couldn't offer her what she deserves. I wasn't the man I wanted to be for her and I'm still not but now I find myself free from my brother's ties to her. Brad has freed me and it might be too late now...

But I have to try.

Before going, I know I have to speak to my mother. Our relationship has been a bit strained after everything that has happened and it's been my own fault. I distanced myself from her out of shame. Guilt consumed me in a way it never has before and it's made me make mistakes that could be irreversible.

The morning after my conversation with Brad, I track Savannah down on Facebook. It's the only social media that I have so I pray that she still uses it and sees my message asking her where I can find Natalie. I still haven't heard from her by the time I arrive to my mother's house, past four in the afternoon and it makes me a little nervous. She probably hates my guts. But I won't let this stop me. I know where I can find her parents.

"Hey, Mom," I say when my mother opens the door.

"Oh, Josh!" She says with a smile. She steps out to hug me. "What a nice surprise, honey! Come on in."

I follow her into the house silently.

"How are you?" She asks. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," I say slowly. "I'm sorry I haven't come over or called you."

She sits down on the couch and I sit across from her. I feel fidgety. I'm anxious. Anxious to have this conversation. Anxious to see Natalie. Anxious to speak with her.

"You did have me a bit abandoned." She admits but smiles.

"I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been the best communicator. It just felt right to put some distance. Didn't really know what else to do."

"Oh, honey, I know." She looks down. "This hasn't been easy for anyone."

"I-" I take a deep breath. "I never apologized for causing you pain. I didn't mean to disappoint you or dad."

"I know," she says. "Of course it wasn't. I know that you wouldn't do anything to hurt any of us intentionally."

I nod but don't say anything.

Mom studies me. "You still love her, don't you?"

I look at her and shrug. "Yes, I do. I'll probably love her until I die."

She places her hand on my arm in a comforting way. "What happened between you two?" She asks softly.

I feel so bad for not having this conversation with her earlier. All this time she's probably wondered what happened or how did it even start. After I figured out that Natalie left Portland, I shut down. I didn't want to talk about her because it reminded me of my biggest regret: letting her go.