Pain [jack&jack]

8

I look at the cigarette that is held between my two red nails. I nod.

"I know" I whisper.

Before I can react I'm pulled into a hug. His hands wrap around my hair and my back. Hes tall. His hands are big. He's changed.

My face is near his heart, I can hear it beating fast. My eyes slowly close, listening to the rhythmic sound of his beating heart. I close my eyes, not only to hear his heart, to use it as a Lullaby to not cry, but it only makes me want cry more.

Soon, I can feel small little droplets fall from my eyes, dropping down my cheeks and off of my chin, eventually landing on Gilinsky's shirt, dampening the white fabric. My eyelashes have been weighed down, due to the excessive tears.

Gilinsky and I are still hugging, not knowing what else to do, and both of us are too shy, stupid and stubborn to say anything.

I open my eyes, hoping to see something that I can comment on so I can get out of this awkward, yet comforting embrace. Jack comes into my blurry vision, his face just about as shocked as mine. I see one tear fall from his eye before his hand reaches up and wipes both of his eyes. He looks down, then up. Not knowing what to say or do.

"I'm sorry" Gilinsky whispers over and over again into my hair. I just nod against his shoulder, not bothering to say anything, because I know if I do, it's going to end up in an argument.

I close my eyes, this feels right.

Soon, Gilinsky lets go. I look down towards my cigarette, the cigarette almost eaten away because of the long embrace. I throw it to the ground. Sounds poetic.

I look back up at Gilinsky, then Jack. Both were looking at me.

"I'm sorry" they say in unison.

I nod, even though I know i can't forgive them, not yet at least.

I fell into deep depression. I felt alone, and not needed. I felt like they dropped me and stepped on me when they were don't using me- like a cigarette.

Deep depression led to excessive drinking, smoking, drugs and just not caring anymore.

"You guys smoke to have fun." I remember speaking to my friend Jordan, at a party one time.

"I smoke to die quicker" I spoke quietly, smiling.

Nothing mattered to me, nothing really matters to me- still.

My eyes meet Gilinskys' brown ones, his eyes filled with hope and hurt.

"I'm so sorry" Jack speaks, coming from my right. I advert my gaze towards him, and nod, my gaze then falling to the floor. I start kicking the rocks with my shoes, making and uncomfortable scratching sound against the pavement.

"Do you think we could go back to being the same?" Jack asks.

"Go back to being the same? When? When we were all friends? Or when you left me? no words said, no goodbye's, no calls or texts, just left me there like a piece of paper crumpled up and thrown to the side?" I speak, my voice cracking over and over. I'm a horrible person. I know I am. But how can I forgive them if they don't know how I feel, or felt.

Tears flow out of my eyes uncontrollably. Jack and Gilinsky stand there, shocked, speechless. I wouldn't be able to say anything either.

I turn on my heel and walk the opposite way, leaving them astonished.

My feet carry me toward a gas station. I step inside, asking for a pack of my regular malboro, because I'm low.

Stupid idiots didn't ask for ID.

I probably look like a mess, eyeliner smeared down my face, same with my mascara. I can feel my Lips cracking.

The girl that works there gives me a concerning look, then her eyes are filled with sorrow, and regret.

"I was like you once" she starts, her blue eyes looking straight into mine.

She looks about 30. Her blonde hair lays by her shoulders. She wears a black sweater and jeans, she's leaning on the counter.

"I was depressed, sad and almost angry he left me, I took it out on myself" she says, looking down to some scars on her arm.

"I was sent to the hospital, suicide attempt, alcohol poisoning, I just about overdosed too" she says slowly.

I don't know why she's telling me this.

But I somehow find it comforting.