Mental Health

2019-2020

   So I haven't really been on here in a while to just rant which is crazy.

   I started this book almost 4 years ago when I was in grade 9 and just diagnosed with social anxiety.

I'm now going to be starting my first year of university in september. Time seems to fly by as you get older and I never noticed that until recently. It's crazy.

This past year has been difficult to say the least but it's gotten better. I figured what better place to talk about it then this book. It might just help someone out.

In september of 2019 (my grade 12 year) I thought I was ready and I assured myself that it would be just fine.

Unfortunately I was wrong. From September until the end of January my anxiety had been the worst it had been in quite a while. I was constantly tired, I had no motivation to do school work (staying up until 4am to meet due dates and to study), and I had multiple panic/anxiety attacks every week which included lots and lots of crying.

In October when my mom realized how bad it was really getting, having to take me on late night drives to calm me down only for me to start crying as soon as I got back home, she decided to make an appointment with my doctor.

Keep in mine I was still seeing my therapist who I started seeing back in grade 9.

My doctor decided to put me on a waiting list for a new mental health evaluation to see what was going on, but the wait list was about 5 months long so my doctor decided to put me on meds for the time being.

I started anti depressants in November, and although my panic/anxiety attacks lessened I was becoming more tired and practically numb to my emotions. But none the less they helped me. (Keep in mind anti depressants effect everyone differently :)

Everything was fine up until the beginning of december. I had a big falling out with some of my friends and all of sudden all of the numbed emotions from the past month came rushing out of me and I became extremely depressed.

I missed a few days of school and then on Thursday December 5th I suddenly began having thoughts of suicide, although I wasn't sure at the time if I would go through with it they were very strong and persistent thoughts so I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital.

After waiting in the emergency waiting room for 5 hours I was calmed down and the crisis worker who interviewed me said I was fine and I could go home and that I was just "blowing things out of proportion".

This just made everything worse again. I felt like I wasn't being listened to. I had explained that, yes, at that moment I was dealing with friend issues, but for the past 3 months I was feeling like utter shit and everything just felt like it was just now crashing around me. But it seemed as though the crisis worker didn't understand that.

I got home that night and screamed and cried at my mom who was also yelling back at me because she was so frustrated with my behaviour. I went to bed that night crying so loud, wanting nothing more than to not be alive.

The next morning my mom told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to make myself happy.

If someone ever tells you this, please don't listen, because if you're reading this right now, that means you're still alive, that means you're fighting, and therefore, you are trying as hard as you can at this very moment. So please don't give up.

Luckily, my favourite teacher, who cares so deeply about the well being of her students, made december as easy and relaxed as she could for me when I got back to school. She helped me a lot because she knew how hard I could be on myself when I didn't have to be. She saw something in me that I don't think a lot of people saw. And she understood me more than a lot of people could.