Mental Health

Depression Is Different Sometimes

  I decided I wanted to write this chapter because I was sitting in my basement reflecting on where I was in my life this time last year.

   I can easily say this time last year was one of the worst times in my life. I was in such a deep depression and I felt like no one ever noticed and I didn't know why. But looking back now I realized I do know why.

   It's because depression looks very different than a lot of people think. When my depression was really bad, I tried to hide it a lot when I was around people - meaning at school, or when I was around family (other than my mom), or when I was around friends I made sure I was "happy"

    I say "happy" in quotes like that because I wasn't really happy, I acted like it around others when I was outside of my house - I would laugh, smile, joke around, and whatever else you do when you're genuinely happy - but mentally I was depressed - I was exhausted, I had no motivation, I would go home and sleep for hours, and cry until 3 in the morning.

    Depression doesn't have to physically look like sadness or "laziness" - it can FEEL like it, and sometimes you don't show that. And I rarely showed that.

   A few minutes ago, I was thinking about last year at this time and I thought to myself "aside from quarantine, my life didn't look much different then as it does now" and then I realized: although it doesn't look much different, it FELT much different.

That's why you need to be very careful when you judge someone who has depression, because maybe they don't look depressed to you, but maybe it's how they feel on a daily basis, it's the part of them you can't see or feel.

    I think this is important for people who struggle with depression to know as well. I remember last year it was hard for me to wrap my head around having depression because although I knew exactly how I was feeling, I felt like because I was trying to act happy around others and have fun I couldn't consider myself depressed even though I was in a deep depression at this time.

    And I know for a lot of people who struggle with depression they may not even get out of bed most of the time - I was like that too, the second I got home from school I would go straight to bed and I would sleep from 3-7 and still not want to get out of bed after. But for other people, also like me, you may still get out sometimes to make things feel normal even when it doesn't help.

    What i'm trying to say is: don't underestimate how you feel mentally just because your physical actions don't match sometimes.

    If you know someone who struggles with depression or other mental illnesses please reach out every now and again, even if they seem "happy" to you, because sometimes what you see isn't how they really feel inside.

     I love all of you endlessly, please take care of yourselves even if it's just a small thing - shower, brush your hair/teeth, eat something small, drink some water, walk down your street or just step outside for a minute

     I promise you it gets better❤️

If any of you ever need to talk I'm always here so please feel free to message me :)