Book 1: Youth of Delarn

Chapter 28: My Brother

Delarn knew there were hunting grounds north of Theyonkerg where there was a lake, and from there the water drained into a river that went south to the sea. She had since learned that along with the name of the villages south of Fennerey. They were still under the rule of the king, but they were otherwise out of his sight. She knew she could go down the river to Port St. Tristam and travel east or west to either Kringa or Banestal and live a quiet life there. She could even go further west and be less likely to be visited by Theyonkerg in Rienfal. She heard there were often bandits and criminals that liked to settle in Rienfal. If she were optimistic, she could do good deeds and help the people there by keeping the peace and discouraging highwaymen. If she was realistic, she could imagine fitting in as a former criminal. They might even love her for no longer being a criminal. She could live the life of any other young woman her age.

She didn't believe she could just do that, however. The thought of leaving made her face scrunch up and a sense of disappointment and loathing rise in her. She was as good as anyone else in the underground, and she was raised for the life she was leading. She wouldn't run away, and if she did, she thought she should go with what the head librarian offered.

She imagined herself as an academic. She would have a pair of glasses and reading would matter more to her than having sharp senses in battle. It was superstition that kept her from correcting her eyesight, but she also couldn't afford it. She could if she was a successful and affluent scholar, and the academics may even cover the costs for her if she was as promising as Castral said.

She sat on the edge of the river in her underclothes with a dish of soap beside her. Her legs were in the cold water as she worked to grow accustomed to it.

She shook her head, wanting to rid herself of thoughts of nobility and glory. The only glory she could see ahead of her was blood and battle. The thought of asking Castral if he would help her get away made her stomach turn, knowing how much she worked against him and his king. She didn't care for the king, but she knew Castral did, and she couldn't imagine a day she would agree with him. In her mind, he was just as responsible for all the death and fighting as either faction. He had picked his side and she wanted to make him regret it.

She tried to remember what it meant to be Salvikan and came up with nothing.

It meant to survive, she decided, but she considered that was the default if you were alive. She wanted to turn into a wolf now she was far enough from town to not worry about the prying eyes of Salvs and Danzers, but she was already paranoid about being seen naked. She didn't need to add being a wolf to it, though she thought it would be easier to get clean than taking off her clothes. She also thought it was a worse way to get clean, because wading around in the river wasn't good enough. Would she have to roll in the soap and wouldn't that assure she got more mud and dirt on her than actual soap?

She sighed. Either way, she had to believe she was alone out here. She didn't like taking a bath in her own home anymore. She always felt watched and hated that feeling. She also felt watched now, but wanted to ignore it, and wanted to get this over with.

She didn't want to go home anytime soon. She knew if she just had a little more motivation to leave she could float her way down the river and be away from Fennerey and its war, and it wouldn't be her problem anymore. She felt another pang of guilt and hatred for the idea of abandoning it. She couldn't shake it, so she couldn't leave.

She undressed, wrinkling her nose at the smell of blood and how disgusting her body felt. She knew she should have brought another cloth, but figured she could wash that as well. She sunk down to her waist in the water.

She carefully felt with her foot to make sure she knew where the ground was solid and where it would fall away if she wasn't careful. She knew the water could go over her head and sweep her away. Nothing would be more embarrassing than being found naked downriver, whether it was trekking back the way she came or drowned. She then realized she would be a wolf, so it wouldn't matter if she were naked or not. The thought of her always being naked when she was a wolf made her skin crawl, and she laughed aloud.