Fuzzies And Thistles

10/11/2018 - welL HECK

I swear I'm a nine....

Just sorta looking over my angst poetry as I was spewing another angst bout, and I saw a trend. I was afraid of being alone. Of loss. And separation.

Guess friggin what

That's the main fear of a type nine.

Not only that, but, currently, looking over the common deterioration of a nine, I have gotten to stress level eight of nine when it comes to severe stress level. Stress level nine being schizoid and/or dependant personality disorder.

welL HECC

..... Guess I gotta do something about that now...
don't I...?

"Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual. Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others.

Level 8: Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect them, they dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized.

Level 9: They finally become severely disoriented and catatonic, abandoning themselves, turning into shattered shells. Multiple personalities possible. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid and Dependent personality disorders."

At least I know that the problem was that I was responding wrong to my own flaws.

And I know I've gotten to stress level eight on other personality types before.
Five, I believe, was the type I last got into stress level eight with.

Turns out five's stress level eight conditions are similar to nine but with more deliriousness and breaking from reality. It's strange that I'm able to compare the two experiences and confirm this is a thing. In fact, it's been harder to rely on my fantasies for comfort recently... unlike back then

I did not realize that losing emotional support would result in depersonalization....

...... that is a weird correlation

I could understand why/how I got so bad back when I switched from public to home school. My worth as a human being, the functionality of my own mind, was being questioned. Even back then I didn't know what types of ADHD I had so I was convinced there was literally something wrong with me in any and every way possible. The main contributing factors to my depression back then had to do with feeling as if there was no worth in my capabilities, a five's worst nightmare. Sure I was dealing with losing my friends but back then, to be honest, I was a bit more independent of them than I probably would've wanted to be if I were to go back and do it again. I was more attached to my sister and brother than I was to any of my friends in school. I still care, and cared, about them. But I wasn't emotionally reliant on them like this time. Even so, I know I haven't lost confidence in my own abilities like I had back then.

Currently I feel more alone than ever. Mainly because the rest of my family is doing the whole grieving thing after Mom went. I haven't been as close to my sister or brother as in the past since my brother's so absorbed into his circle and my sister was absorbed into collage. I've been close to Dad but he has work and he needs time to process and recenter life after everything.

I'm well aware my problem isn't just losing my friends. It also has to do with losing mom. I am highly aware that in the process of losing mom I was traumatized. The effects of this, on the other hand, I'm unaware of. I'm sort of trying to feel out what my mind and body is doing in response to everything. For a while after mom was gone I couldn't remember pretty much anything about her. It was the strangest thing, like she'd been removed from my memory.

Only recently, as I've been assessing my social situation and the aftershock of her death set in, I've started to regain my ability to recall memories of her. I'm starting to remember the place she had in my life.

Before, I felt either like I couldn't process anything (like it didn't even enter my system) or I didn't have to process anything (like I'd already gone through the process), now I feel like I can start to make headway on processing.... whatever that means... I'm, in all honesty, not really sure...

Fric

My conflict avoidance has gotten so bad that I can't get into a small argument about small scheduling adjustments without breaking down. I can't heccing defend myself in any rational way possible. I just give in out of a gut response and if not I physically break down. I've never actually done that or felt that before. I'm normally headstrong in arguments. This is the weirdest thing ever. I've given in at least twice now after getting into minor arguments with my sister about random inconsequential things. And only because my heccing emotions decided it was a good idea to become allergic to self defense.

I'm an absolute mess...