Always on my mind

Why do I still love you

Q: How often do you think about her?
Everyday I'm checking her facebook and her Instagram to see if she posts someting new.

Q: Why do you still do that even though she doesn't want you back in her life ?
I can't give up on her. She's part of my life now.

Q: After all those years ?
Yes.

Q:  You are not afraid that you're losing your time thinking about a person that gave up on you already?
Maybe, maybe not.

Q: Do you know if she thinks about you?
I don't think so. I'm unimportant for her now.

Q: Then what are you waiting? You know that she will never come back.
I still have hope that she will talk back to me one day. Even if we're just friends. I want her by my side again.

Q: But you don't want her as a friend, isn't it?
That's right. I want her just like we used to be before..

Q: Before what?
Before the moment she broke my heart and left.

Q: Then why do you still have feelings for her?
Because she was the first lover in my life, she touched my soul, not just my body. She made me so happy, she made me smile everyday.

Q: What are you doing when you're thinking about her?
I read our stories, our story that it's posted on her account, I think that I read it like 9-10 times because every time it's more exciting. I associate the character to her. They're likely the same. Also, I read every story that I still have with her. They bring me so many emotions.

Q: How do you feel since you last talked?
Alone. Everyday. I don't have anyone to talk. I just miss the way she was listening to me.

Q: How long has it been since you broke up ?
Almost 3 years.

Q: Don't you think it's time to move forward?
I can't. I'm locked in the past

Q: Have you tried to meet someone else?
I tried. I had an adventure with a girl for 3-4 days but she was not serious.

Q: If that girl was serious and she said that she was a relationship with you, did you will love her as you loved your past lover?
Certainly not. It's not the same as a relationship for 4 years. Things are not so easy.

Q: Do you think she read what are you writing here?
I don't know. I wish she did. This meant a lot to me, because here I write my true feelings, at night, when I'm vulnerable and alone.

Q: What make her so special for you?
She was by my side everyday. I know her since she was just a teenager. It was love at first conversation. I miss our late nights on skype, I miss our stories, I miss how she was telling how was at school.. she was everyting for me. I was in love with that awkward teenager, who's a big (little) girl now. I just miss how loved she makes me feel.

Q: What will you say if she stands in front of you?
I don't know. I don't think about it. Right now I'm angry about her, so probably I scream that she left me insecure.

Q: But you forgave her, do you?
Of course. I will do anything for her.

Q: How do you see her after 10 years?
A strong woman.

Q: She loved someone else more than she loved you?
Yes, she did.

Q: She cheated on you? How many times?
2-3 times. Or many, I don't know, it was a distance relationship but we visited each other frequently.

Q: Do you think about her like a bad person?
Of course not. She makes me realizing so many things about myself and what I like. I was unsure if I like boys or girl, or both, but I had one relationship, with her, so I think I like only girls... that are like her.

Q: One last word for her?
You're worth it. I will never gave up on you even though you don't want to hear about me. I will always be there when you want to talk. I know that you have a new best friend now.. it's not easy for me to accept it.. I hope that you'll forgive me for everything I did wrong (if I did) and I still wait for a message from you on facebook .. hope that we will see this summer.

xoxo ###

That was an conversation with myself. I'm asking everytime if this waiting worth it or not. I'm still waiting for her and I still love her like the first day she asked me to be her girlfriend. I was happy.