Autophobia- TomTord/CrisisAU

BŘØĶƏŇ- 3 weeks before the war

My head pounding, my eyes forced shut as my body shook uncontrollably. My breathing hitching as hot tears streamed down my face, my hand was clasped over my mouth as I cried. No one knew about my panic attacks, no one knew about my depression, no one knew about my past. Worst of all, no one knew me for who I really am.

My heart ached for attention as I cried silently, I needed someone here with me. I- I just can't get them. I'm already a burden to them all, no one would notice if I was gone. Hell, no one would notice if I was dead! But that's just how life is, they all think of me as an alcoholic, but it's the only thing I can do to drown my feelings. Worst thing is, my demons have learnt to swim. Nobody knew about the cuts on my wrists, nobody knew about the cuts on my thighs and nobody knew about the burn marks on my body. I just cover myself with long sleeves so they wouldn't see, I can hide the pain for everyone.

Nobody's ever asked me if I'm feeling 'okay' or if 'something's' wrong. I sighed pulling my hand away from my mouth and wiped the tears off my face. I needed help, I needed someone to hug me and say everything's going to be 'okay' even of it isn't. But if I go to someone they'd ask too many questions. I looked down at my bandaged arms pursing my lips before pulling down my sleeves. Nobody needs to know.

I took a deep breath before pulling myself up and glanced at my alarm clock: 2:21AM I groaned shaking my head slightly. I walked out of my room making sure to close my door behind me and look both ways down the hallway. Edd and Matt's rooms were beside mine, Tord's was the last door on the left. The bathroom was the last door on the right, beside Matt's room. I took a shaky step before walking to the bathroom not bothering to close the door as I looked in the mirror. I clicked on the light to be met with my bloodshot, red eyes. Dark bags were beneath my eyes as I splashed some water on my face. After all, there's no chance I can go to sleep again.

I dried my face and hands on the closest towel and turned the light off before walking back into the hallway. My feet shuffled along the carpet floor as I made my way downstairs attempting to be as quiet as I could. Nobody needed to see my like this.
I walked into the living room not turning on any lights as I layed on the couch my eyes meeting the full ceiling and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I plugged my earphones in and placed them in my ears as I turned on my music: Fake Smiles by Phora my thoughts wandering as I took in each lyric.

My eyes filled with tears as I sighed letting them gather up, a few sliding down my face. My thoughts wandered onto the topic of my parents as more tears fell down my face as I layed there emotionless. "Thomaaass." My head snapped up as my earplugs fell out of my ears falling to the sofa. "Are you okay? You're um-" I wiped the tears off my face forcing myself to sit up. "I'm fine, I just remembered something thats all." The devil-horned Male hesitated before taking a seat beside me as I turned my phone off sliding it into my pocket. "What do you mean?" His accent strong as he spoke as I shrugged.

"That's none of your concern, thanks for asking. I guess, but I'm fine, I swear." He raised an eyebrow. "To Jehovah?" I froze instantly shaking my head. "N-no- uh, nevermind!" I stood up just to be pulled back down to the couch. "So you're lying." I groaned. "I'm fine Tord, I can handle my own fucking thoughts, okay?" He flinched at my sudden anger as I sunk back into the couch. "Sorry, I fine. I just- uh. Look, I just remembered my par-" I stopped myself from finishing what I was saying. "My dad, yeah. I remembered my dad, okay?"

"But you sai-" "I- you didn't need to know that, nobody did, okay? So don't tell anyone." He huffed looking up at the stairs before back at me. "At least tell me how your mother died." I narrowed my eyes at the taller Male. "Do I have to?" He nodded. "Oh- and how old were you?" I sighed my hands starting to shake slightly. "She died in a car crash, the same year my dad died. Happy?" His eyes widened at the information. "Really? So you grew up in an orphanage?" I sighed nodding. "Nobody adopted me though, I mean why would they?" I pushed myself up from the couch not letting Tord have a time to reply and walked back to my room.

I'm a freak, and I'm fully aware of how I look and what people think of me. I collapsed onto my bed facing the ceiling.

Life fucking hates me.