If Only

11

Arrived in front of the hospital, I park my car in the parking lot and rush inside the building.

I don't hear the people around me, I just have one objective, going to find Boris and see if he's a okay.
I go straight to see the guy in the main office and ask for Boris' full name. Without properly hearing what the guy was saying, I look at his arm telling me to go one way and started running past everyone not even caring who and what was in my way. I literally felt like I had lost someone, someone I've loved and appreciated. Someone who was in my heart that I couldnt let go of. Someone that I've disappointed, someone that I could have made efforts for...

I run straight through the emergency room and looked for Boris' name everywhere. I couldn't see him and my eyes became more and more blurry. Things were as painful as hell, a pinch in the heart by example, the feeling that Boris and I would never end up together. Ever.

After running endlessly, through the corridors, I see a letter B following with the letter O. Following with the rest of his name and then I realized that he was the one I was looking for. I follow the rest of he name and looked at what room he was placed in. Room 286. I ran up the stairs over to the room and Boris wasn't in his hospital bed.

Me- BORIS?!!

Doctor- Are you family?

Me- No but i'm... i'm his girlfriend?

Doctor- Why does it seem like a question?

Me- I don't know ummm our situation is complicated...

Doctor- Well Mr Boris isn't here at the moment. You may leave.

Me- Leave? I want to see him urgently!

My instinct tells me that Boris is very probably on a smoke break. As usual.

Doctor- What are you waiting for?

Me- Pffttttt

I go back downstairs and went into the balcony, where everybody, patients and doctors were having a chat and also smoking. Which is very unhygienic I suppose.

Once I enter the blacony, everyone stares at me as if I was some alien or something. I look around searching for Boris but the jerk wasn't there. I really wanted to give up and most guys were staring down at me as if I was some meatbag. I'm fat, that does not mean I'm nice to eat.

I keep looking around but Boris was no where to be found. I turn around, giving up and stressed out. People were eyeing me way too much for my confort. I needed sweets, or a cupcake, or a muffin, or a bag of chips. I couldn' stay this way. I have to look for the closest vending machine. I speed walk back inside, looking for a vending machine and there I see it. Treasure! I take out my purse and insert a 10 dollar to buy what I need. Dude hands around my love handles, someone is touching my waist.

- The same old habits, gummy sweets, what's wrong Kacy?

Me- The fuck is thi-

I turn around and I see Boris. Same tall, handsome guy with a few bruises on his face. Only bruises for an accident?

Me- Jesus don't scare me like that! Omg how are you? How did you have the accident? How the hell did you survive? Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Boris- Happy to see you too...

Me- When are you leaving this hell hole?

Boris- I don't know I...

Without warning, Boris closes his eyes and falls on top of me. Heavy dude. Then he dares talk about me. Boris fainted. And I was holding his rock solid body to make sure he didn't completely fall on the ground. I panic, not knowing what to do.

Me- Help, please somebody HELP!!!!

Nurses come around with a rolling hopital bed and drop Boris inside it. They tuck him in and then roll away back to room 286. I follow them after taking everything I brought from the vending machine. I speed walk over to them but they shut the door in front of me. I can't help but eavesdrop their conversation.

Nurse 1- Pass the defrilator!

Nurse 2- Are you sure it's necessary??

Nurse 3- You dumb? If we don't do this he might die!

Nurse 2- Shit

Nurse 1- pass it over! QUICKLY!!

Beep Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeppppppppp.

No noise...

WTF is Boris... Dead?

I fall to the ground and hold onto my knees. I start remembering evrything that had happened with him from day 1. How he's always been so protecive when he got to me. He protected me from Harry and Justin, protected me from my dad, protected me from the other people at school... Everytime we woukd be next to each other in the school halls i'de always feel safe. He to me about the self harm. Even if he often jokes around about my weight i know that he is not always so serious. He told me I was beautiful and he was the first guy to have ever was comfortabe to stay in my bra in. He made me feel special in his own ways but all i ever did was be rude to him when he tried to explain. I dint give him any chance.

If we would have poen normally yesterday, he wouldn't have gone off drunk to god knows where! This is my fault. It's my fault that Boris is dead. He died all because of me.

I'm the reason. Not only I destroy myself but I also destroy those around me who try to take care of me. Maybe that's why I have no friends. Maybe it's why I end up alone. I don't deserve Boris...

He was there for me, ready to sacrifice himself for me. I met him 2 weeks ago and I'm already here ruining his life. He was so young. He had a potential. And I ruined that. Why is it not me who ends up dead?

Nurse 4- We're going to have to transfer him or he's going to die...

Oh my fucking god.