More Confessions From A True Fuck-Up

MeTalk S1E2: Night Time Rants

Okay, so I'm just gonna start by saying sorry. Because most of you have lives and don't want to listen to me rant. But anyways, so I wont as watching stand up comedy, at 11:48 at night, on my couch, alone, with a half eaten bowl of macaroni and cheese, knowing damn well I have exams tommorrow. But anyways, I was surfing netflix when I found a stand up by Donald Glover or Childish Gambino or whatever. So he brought up the subject of Santa Claus and this subject always gets me heated because honestly. What the fuck.

I never understood Santa Claus for alot of reasons,
1. Your are teaching your kids not to value your hard work, you work hard all year to buy them this shit and they give the credit to an imaginary fat man.
2. The dude breaks in your house AT MIDNIGHT, and your parents have to pay to buy the shit to leave him COOKIES for his criminal activity.
3.What so the guy is some sort of magician or dark wizard or some shit because I could have Albert Einstein ass come up here and he would tell me, there is no calculation for a man of that size, to go down your chimney, and drop multiple presents to EVERY FUCKING CHILD IN THE WORLD WHO BELIEVES. like what the fuck. That doesn't even make sense. But I digress
4. You ever see the things at the mall, where it's like the guy gets dressed up to hold children and see what they want. It's a breeding ground for pedos. I mean, what are the whispering to your parents what you want on the side giving them your full order list on what the fuck your 5 year old child who believes shes a damn princess wants?! Like what, no. So instead. You have your sweet Nathaniel, on Gary's lap. Just rubbing and bumping. Weird as fuck, giving him the satisfaction, also he's waiting for y'all to leave so his little elf helper cam look at your mamas ass as you walk the fuck away. No maam.
5. Santa Claus is a SLAVE OWNER. And has to be breaking so many labor laws it's not even funny. You are telling me, that he has all these little elves, who may or may not be CHILDREN, working year round to bring these little children toys. Which side note, also doesn't make sense because of your child starts asking for stuff in december, how by December he has exactly enough toys coincidentally what every fucking child wants. And your telling me there only payment is the satisfaction of little kids and maybe some sugar cookies If Santa has self control. I don't get that. Sugar and smiles don't pay the rent or feed the kids. I mean honestly.
6. This isnt a problem per se, but y'all ever think, how come it's been years but Mrs. And Mr. Never got freaky and made a kid. A little wonder kid? Best. CHRISTMAS. Present. Ever. Until you gotta clothe, feed and bathe him and all you have in your pocket and wallet is cookie crumbs. I feel as though Mrs.Claus would be better at this.
7. Which brings me to another problem, the Santa Claus shit has been around for years. How the fuck old does everybody think he is. Like, shit this dudes found an immortality potion before we did. Shit 
8. Which brings me to another question, what is his backstory. I need context. Where is he from? Who is his mom? Was his father Santa or did he decide one day that was his career path and be was gonna be something new? I mean, why doesn't anybody ask this. Is he human?

Also, I mean what if a hoe don't got a chimney? Are they gonna be sad on christmas? Do only chimney having people get gifts? And the poor deer. They don't want this. What is he feeding them. This is animal cruelty. Making them hold all that weight on their back, and I don't mean just Santa. Which is also a question, I don't buy that whole Magic Sack shit. Because I need that. How does he do that. He's a dark sorcerer I'm telling y'all.

Anyways, I never grew up believing in Santa Claus. I never grew up believing in alot of things. Like The Tooth Fairy, Fairy Tales, hell a girl couldn't even watch SpongeBob or Ni Ho Ki Lan. But also because it fucked up my speech and resulted in speech therapy for a few years  but that's another rant. Some think that's sad. I spend my childhood with books, crosswords, spelling test and good old older siblings harrassment. But I don't think it's sad.. I mean, it's made me a good student. I'm very smart (didn't do much for the lazy aspect of me) but I have a brain. And you know, I grew up believing and understanding the value of hard work, family and managing your money right. Which alot of kids nowadays dont. Kids nowadays be like "Shut Up Stupid Karen Bitch" to their mothers and I'm like WHAAAAA. But that might be just me growing up black seeing as my grandma would beat me, my mama would beat me, my auntie would beat me, my great-auntie would beat me everyone would beat me and I see kids getting bolder and bolder these days because they don't appreciate there families hard work because they have been brought up to think someone else is gonna make something happen for them. I mean, Kevin dear, no one is gonna buy little Dan and Ruby Christmas gifts except for you and Rachel. No one is gonna slip a 20 under Dan's pillow cause he lost his baby front teeth, that coming from your wallet... hopefully depending on your lifestyle. But yeah, that also another rant, Kids now need to understand the value of money, work and respect and "Santa Claus" Isn't really helping.

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for listening to my TEDTALK.