My feelings

who's that in the mirror?

  Hello if you are here!
Do you ever look in the mirror and you're not sure who's staring back at you?
Lately I have been feeling really down a lot. I'm not sure if it's okay for me to show my sadness I feel like it's not.
I want to cry all day and starve myself but I can't do it.
I honestly feel like I am just wasting away. I wish I was intelligent I can't be that though my brain is too slow. I wish I could see or make myself believe how beautiful I am. Sometimes it does happen for a moment so I can but then it goes away I don't know why it can't stay though. Some days I tell myself my weight isn't that bad I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds. My stomach just sticks out alot to me makes me feel uncomfortable.
I do work out and try not to eat too much junk food or fast food but it doesn't look like that works. I was so happy recently I lost a little over 10 pounds but gained it right back. 
I am 25 about if you 26 in 2 months and I'm not proud of my life besides my little one.
At the beginning of every year I tell myself it's going to be different this year things are going to change and that's for the good. But usually they don't change for good if anything changes it's usually bad.
I am I confusing complicated alien person I guess. I want a guy in my life I want a man well I can count on and who can count on me.
I want to live a happy Carefree life help others make myself and others around me proud.
Okay so I'm kind of freaking out! In 2 months I may have to move back in with my ex and I'm really sad and conflicted about it.
Don't think he's a horrible person he's just not meant for me. And besides it's not like we're going to be together anyway. Me and my daughter will be sharing a room again like always.  What does that mean for me though? Do I stop dating? Do I go back to being someone's slave and not in a good way lol.  I think the only reason why we're getting along a little bit better is because we don't live together. I don't want to go back to how it used to be how I felt unappreciated how I felt like I was in the way.
I feel like I have no control or say in my life.
It's crazy how sometimes I get myself to look in the mirror. But like really don't notice the person looking back at me. She seems sad, broken, alone and confused what is going on. I know suicide were trying to get yourself to die in some way or fashion is wrong. But isn't it wrong for others to make you feel that way.
Wish I had a friend to go with me and do fun things. I want to start visiting children's hospitals and spend the day with him or bring them a gift. I want to go to a haunted house and get scared but have fun. I want to go to a fight UFC or WWE and have a good time.
I want to have a job in or a career and earn my money. I don't get to help people say it's easier to be sad than happy. It's hard to be sad and make yourself try to be happy, it's hard to be sad and try to have others believe that you are happy and it is hard to be sad when all you want is happiness.
I honestly feel if I moved back with him my life will go down way more than it already is. I will live a long boring lonely life. Maybe I am just meant to be a doormat and leave after I've been used. Maybe I was born to try my best but fail but at least I tried. I'm not good at spelling or using the right punctuation I try but all I know are the main things. It sucks when the person you really don't like is right about you I am a big baby, I am not smart, I am not the hottest thing in the room and I have no Talent. It's probably bad to listen to music Imagine ways you can die without it being someone's fault. 
It sucks when you feel like you don't fit in anywhere or with anyone. I am that girl in the movie or the story that you were yelling at. You keep telling her to stop and learn from her mistakes but she won't listen to you. It is sucky sucky sucky how I live in Texas and haven't really traveled around this big state. I try looking up sad songs or stories or even movies. Sometimes I really do like when I can cry and let everything all out. I don't want to feel normal believe me I don't! I just want to have comfort my life in the good kind. I'm sort of okay with hell I'm dorky and odd or weird it's buying it's part of me. Just put be better some other things were not part of me.
I am a random Rock in the street not pretty or ugly but just there. Some may try to change me make me look different, Kik me throw me, Pass Me By.