How could I be true to myself? Oh how I warn people, I tell them I am not worthy but they don't believe me. I lie, I cheat, I still I hurt I don't know why.
My own words burn my skin, the demons Within get their strength from my pain.
I'm not independent, I can't cook, hell I can't even clean correctly, I can't see my own Beauty / worth. Oh how I wish I was good with the words, there is no delicate or smoothly for me to put these at least not for me. The thoughts of disappointment, the worries of betrayal, the way life and people make me feel paranoid. I tried telling myself there are lots of reasons why I should be happy I am living. Yet it is still a desire of mine to leave this planet, this world to go somewhere where there is no pain or hurt. I can't keep living this way I don't know how to stop it. One side of me wants to be happy and positive and mushy gushy. The other part just wants to turn into an alcoholic, let my daughter be with her dad and his family, go back home and melt away until I am nothing physically. it is easy to fake happiness around people. Don't get me wrong sometimes it is difficult and annoying. To feel like we have to hide our sadness, anger or anything else. but when I'm alone that's when the thoughts won't leave me alone, the screams, the cries, teen and the feeling of just angry disappointment.
People usually ask" what do you bring to the table?
And here's my honest truth. Nothing useful, nothing meaningful, nothing real, nothing worse over time. Sometimes it is hard for me to smile, laugh and joke. I know it's a bad habit to compare your life to others whether their life is better in your opinion or not as good.. but I can't help but do it, make it to drive, make it to go places with your kids, they get to get a job easier, they're smarter take it to use their brains, they have talent they have better Hobbies. I hate when I like someone but I know I shouldn't go through with telling them or making anything of it.. you know how to tell others why didn't you warn me, or why didn't you tell me this is how you truly are well I know this person deserves better and needs love, care happiness and honesty. They need and deserve respect, appreciation and understanding. And that's not me!
All I do is complain, whine, nag will be in my negative feelings and moods.
I don't understand why they don't get it. I am ugly on the inside and the out you see. When you understand your ugliness within that's all you see when you look in the mirror. I daydream about me dying different ways, I daydream about physically hurting others, or wishing them clean death & More. I know in real life I would never and could never do anything to hurt anyone physically. You see in a way I'm kind of smart and knowing that I'm not smart. I am not strong enough, I'm not creative, I'm just a waste of space but no one needs. If I die today that's okay my daughter has a dad and a family, my mom has other kids, my brothers and sisters have each other, little ones overtime could and would forget about me. I haven't done a grand gesture for someone, I have an impacted someone's life, no one sees me and thinks what would I do without this person. sometimes when I cry I wished my brain my body my soul would melt with my tears.
I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm a hore/slut\trash just a big disappointment to anyone and everyone.
everyday I plead to put demons, the devil's the darkness when will you take me? Earth is hell there is no heaven. But when I die there will be nothing. I seriously can't wait to take my last breath
YOU ARE READING
My feelings
Non-Fictionthanks to all of you that write your true feelings in your book even though they may not be pretty. I have found the courage to write my public diary
