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This Can't Be Happening.

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Natalia's pov.

Have you ever felt as if you no longer have a reason to live? As if God should just draw out all the air from your lungs and let you suffocate till you breath your last? That the world should just stop and let you alight?You feel like no one around you has a reason to smile again because you yourself, you aren't happy? Well that's how I was feeling, watching my mom's motionless body in the morgue.

I always see people crying their hearts out when their loved ones pass on. But me, I stood there motionless, no tear, not blinking nor breathing. I just watched her, laying there as if she felt it was just right to leave me alone. She always promised to be with me, to walk with me and watch me grow. Why did she have to break that promise? Why?

I felt like walking to her and shake her body vigorously so that she could wake up and tell me that all this is just a joke.

After Laire had called me to inform me about her death, I felt something in me die as well. I was angry at her. She had made me believe that mom was responding well to the transplant. Both of them lied to me, and in their defense, Laire says that mom just wanted to protect me.

But I don't really get it, what was it that she was protecting me from. Right now I was mad at her, angry at everything around me. How was life ever going to be the same again. Was it not enough that I never saw my dad, and now my mom is gone too. I'm an orphan.

Why is my life turning upside down?
Will life ever be the same again without her? I walked closer to her body and touched her face. It was cold, pale and I could see she had lost weight, but she still looked as dashing as ever. I gently removed the golden pendant that she always wore and kept it in my pocket.

How much I felt that this should just be like my other nightmares and that someone should just wake me. I reached for her hand underneath the white cloth that covered her body and clung to it. I knew it wasn't long till I joined her for I too was sick. Maybe if I could have told her earlier, she could have waited for me. I felt like laughing at my statement, but the intensity of the situation didn't let me.

I felt the door open and I was sure it was either the mortician or the doctor telling me I had to live, so you can imagine my shock when I heard his voice.

"Baby doll."
I couldn't stand to look at him lest I did something that I had been avoiding since I heard the news. So I did what I new best.

"I'm fine Ashton. It's not like I have been crying or like I'm going to kill myself. I'm fine, I'm going to be OK. I'm going to pass through this. It's not like I'm the first to lose a parent, you have been through this and look at you, you are still strong. It didn't let you down. "
I realized I had been blabbering so I shut my mouth. The more I talk about it the more I'm going to pour out my heart. Something I didn't want. So I just shut it and surprisingly, he did the same.

Silence enveloped us and I was just glad that he was here with me. I couldn't ask for more. We stayed there for a long time and no one spoke, no one asked questions, and I was glad. The only sound that could be heard was of our breathing.

The mortician came and told us it was time to get out so that they could start with the preserving of her body. I didn't want to live, trust me, but I didn't also want to cause chaos. So I just walked out. Laire was sitted on the waiting area and right now I didn't want to talk to her. It was all her fault that I didn't manage to tell my mom goodbye.

I didn't even look at her twice. I just walked past her and into Matt's car. I was angry, mad, furious,and  every other single adjective that is used to express anger. The same way she called me to tell me that she was dead was the same way she could have called me to tell me she was sick and that she wasn't going to make it.

I hadn't even realized that Matt had already come  and he was already driving. I needed to take my mind out of everything that was happening so I decided to play the first song on his Playlist.

Believe it or not, the first song was Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran. I almost felt like laughing at myself but nonetheless I sang along.

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
Threw the day old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved

Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink

Dad always told me don't you cry when you're down
But mum there is a tear every time that I blink

Fluffed the pillows made the bed stuck the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case.

John said he'd drive then put his hand on my cheek, and wiped a tear from the side of my face

I hope that I see the world as you did coz I know

A life with love is a life that's been lived

So I'll sing Hallelujah,
You are an angel in the shape of my mom,
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up spread your wings as you go and when God takes you back He'll say Hallelujah you're home

I didn't even finish the song.

I felt the first drop

Then the second, third and before I know it,

Torrents of tears started cascading down my face.

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bremisiko