No Regrets

The Side Effect of Truth

"...writing provocative memo..." 

"...planning and leading rallies..."

"..leading fund-raising campaign..."

"..proved hard to be swayed.."

The more he reads about her conviction,  the more he realizes that he did not understand his mom at all. Adaptable. Communicative. Challenging. Idealistic. Stubborn. Wise. He can understand. He remembers how she believed in the innate beauty of all people in the world. He remembers all the time she tries to get him new friends times and times and times again. 

But, these are different words. Bold. Cunning. Cautious. Fighter. Opportunist. Radical. Vocal. He could not imagine how his mother would pickpocket or charm another for information. He understands all her decision to not murder any in the government, about how everything had been non-violence. 

To imagine that she would jump from a top of a highrise building to escape. She lived. She used to breathe and warm and lively with her idea of let-not-kill-more-people, of democratic, of individualític and self-growth. Of the clock.

"You are kind. You are smart. Your future will shine with greatness." She fixes his long shirt and hides the bright light of his haven't started yet clock. Even at that time, Philippe knew Susan did not like the clock. But he was more confused about her line - He has never been kind. Even when he was in secondary school when he first got bullied because of his intelligent. He has found out a way. 

He helps them cheat. 

"Give me a favor, and I would do your homework." 

He told his bullier. Take my homework, show it to the teacher. She would know.

Of course, his bullier did not believe that. And hit him more. He took a day off and come back home. And then they got caught. They never get an A.

The thing is, the boys think that they choose their target. But it is actually Philippe, choosing base on their family and their own personalities, and their habits. After that, he just appeared at the right place and right time, waiting to be hit.

Next day,  he went to that leader's house, who was in detention for lying, alone. One on one is the only time when people actually listen. 

"Why did you come?"

"I told you, I would do your homework for a favor."

"The teacher knows!"

"Because you took my works, not the one I makes for you."  The boy would beat his ass off if they were not in his house, right underneath his parent' nose, right after being integrated to spill out Philippe's name as his target of bullying. But the boy was scared and was convinced with the confidence in his bruised face. (and the madness sprinkling inside his eyes).

"We are not so dissimilar, Philippe." The boy said, defeated.

Then later, Philippe starts to make it be a group studying, where he taught the bad kids in school where he did all of their works, with them, protecting him as payment. Then, he takes more and more and started a small business of nerd kid doing homework for the bullier or whoever pay.  He did not care where those people took money from. But he let his team of bullier has free homework. He would never get touched, staying behind his guards' back. His network becomes bigger even after he graduated from secondary school to high school to all the school in the area.

Everyone thinks that he is good with mediating the bad kids' behavior and being so kind to teach them and changes them. After all, they did not hit people as much, and not so open to public eyes like before. That is already acceptable for the teachers

He already had 3 hundred years before his high school graduation. His mom did not know the truth about his cold personality nor his agreement to beat nerd students until they work for him. Or how he took more area with all the school gang with more violence. 

Philippe is a goodie. Manipulative. Persistent. A Liar.

And everyone thinks he is sweet, smart and suave. 

"You are kind. You are smart. Your future will shine with greatness. You will bring change to the world." She would look at him, smile with pride.

And that would turn to a frown, looking at his life.

Isn't it?

It is easy to blame the system. Everything is the system's fault. He has no choice. He cannot do anything other than what he did.  After all, he is but just a pawn. There would never be a hurricane come from the flapping wings of a butterfly. 

One generation, maybe two. Everything will be the same. Nothing will change. 

He will never change. One cycle. Two cycles. One hundred years. He never changes. Just burying himself from this scheme to the next scheme. To feed his hunger for more and more.

Look at what he did. Taking money from the corp. Taking life from the poor. Pushing people to the phase of killing each other by throwing out that one million years, by purposefully changing the password to something Sylvia knows, by not even care about his blood, throwing her away because he did not want to spend money to get her. Everything was for his own unknown emotion.

He is a selfish manipulative liar, who lie to himself that everything is fine. Everything would stay the same.

Close your eyes. Don't watch people die. Don't see behind the number that there would be a cold dead body that used to be warm and lively. 

Don't watch. Deny. Deny. Lie. 

Nothing will change.

Philippe wept.