Rise Up \\ Marvel + Hamilton

That Is The Question \\ Janet

That morning, for the first time since I came here, I truly hated how I looked in the mirror. All made up to look like a man. Completely passing as one for ten years.

Ten years, minus one night. One night, two days ago, where I'd been myself again. One night that was maybe the best in my life.

Looking in the mirror, I realized something. I didn't want to be Jacob anymore. But more than that, I wanted to be Janet. To be myself.

-

"Eliza!" I knocked at the door of the Schuyler house almost frantically. I was about to knock again when Angelica answered the door with a frown.

"What do you want, Jacob? 'Liza's practically got a man now, and," She yawned, "I don't think she's interested in you. No offense."

"None taken," I said, clenching my hands anxiously. "I just--I need to talk to her about something. I'm sorry to call so early, but it's important. It's a--message from a friend of hers."I was friend of Eliza's, so... it wasn't really a lie. Right?

"Alright. Come in and head to the parlor. I'll let her know you're here."

"Thanks, Angie." I smiled slightly as she let me in.

"If you call me that again, I'm kicking you out," she warned. 

-

"Oh, thank god." As Eliza came in and closed the door behind her, I sagged into my seat in my relief. "I need your help. I know it's a lot to ask, but... I need your help."

"I'll help you, but you need to tell me what's going on, Jacob. What do you need help with?" She sat opposite me in the green-ish room as she finished.

"I don't want to be Jacob anymore," I explained. "I want to really be me, and--I need your help to do that." I ducked my head. "I know it's a lot, but... you're the only person that can really help me with this, and--"

"I'll do it." She grinned at me. "It's because of that blonde you danced with, isn't it?"

"What? Eliza!" I shook my head. "It's really not," I answered honestly. I mean, dancing with Steve was amazing, but-- "That's not why I want to do this."

"Why, then?" She asked simply.

"Because... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess I'm just... fed up with pretending, really. I was more comfortable, like I was finally in my own skin again, and... I don't know if this makes any sense, but it just feels wrong like this. It never did before, but--I just want to be myself, Eliza."

"Right." She smiled. "I'll do what I can to help, Janet. Have you talked to your friends about this? How are you going to explain it to Alexander and the others? You seem to know them pretty well."

I froze. "Crap. I haven't thought about it at all--Maybe it's better if I don't. I can deal with being uncomfortable--"

"If you feel like you're not even in your own skin, it's more than uncomfortable. Don't turn back, just think about it, alright? Figure out a plan."

"Right." I nodded. "Okay. It won't be too bad to explain to Chris and the others. They know sort of what I've been doing, so it'll be easier there... but what about Jacob disappearing? And me appearing?" I paused. "I guess I could say Aunt Alison needed help, so I was going to stay with her. I could write her, I'm sure she could keep up the pretense if need be."

"What about the real you, though?" Eliza asked.

"That is the question, isn't it?" I sighed. "I don't know."