Horrible Human Beings

The club of the broken hearts

THE CLUB OF THE BROKEN HEARTS

My heart was broken and all the pieces were scattered around the campus, every inch of the college grounds had a painful memory for me so it was hard to be out of my dorm, away from that same very bed were it all started, if I closed my eyes I could still feel his scent in my pillow so I couldn’t sleep in my bed, it was so hard. All my life was taken away from me, every little beautiful thing in my life left with Steve and now I just shrunk until I was nothing, and that’s exactly what I wanted, to go, to close my eyes and wake up in another world where Steve never existed and my biggest concerns were to not fall fast asleep in Mr. Perry’s class or try to ignore the fact that months passed and I still hadn’t any news from my parents.

The days came and went, then the weeks and before I could see it coming November was here and Steve was officially gone from my life but not from my heart, and it is hard to think about it, I mean I don’t remember well that night, but I wouldn’t try to kill myself right? I didn’t try it I’m sure of it, the last thing I remember is that I was really, really disappointed and that I wanted to make myself pay for my mistakes, for being so stupid, for believing that Steve could love me, so I had feel to some pain, okay not some but a lot, I had to suffer I had to face the consequences of thinking that someone could ever have feelings for me.

Charlie was my only link with reality and now I has having new kind of days, forget about the good-good or good-bad days now I only had bad-bad days, some awful and others not so much, every day was the same, I woke up thinking that Steve was finally out of my mind and that I had a chance to smile again and continue with my life but by noon I was down on the floor drowning with my tears until Charlie came and started ti yell at me making me feel even worse, in the not so bad days Charlie used to drag me into his bed and hug me in silence until it was late night and I drifted away on his bare chest lulled by his steady heartbeat, in the bright side Alice didn’t feel jealous about me So I could safely rejoice and sink my face in his bulgy arms without risk.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t taking advantage of my situation, I just felt a little happy to have Charlie taking care of me like when we were kids, yeah Okay I still had feelings for him, but not the bad kind I just needed someone by my side and turned out that that someone was Charlie, as usual.

My story with Charlie was complicated, I mean I always had this feelings when I was a kid, I’m talking about this fire burning inside, scorching me from within but I thought it was a normal thing in friendship. In other hand the people in my family were already talking about me spending too much time with Charlie and as everybody else I had a nosey aunt, you know that aunt whose only purpose in life is ask you if you got any girlfriend yet, and of course I didn’t, and ain’t like I didn’t like I didn’t try, I tried like a lot! Especially after Charlie got his first girl at fourth grade and I couldn’t help feeling “envious” about it, now I wonder which feeling is worst, enviousness or jealousy. 

When I was ten aunt Mary –yup, that aunt!- started using this word “fag” to refer to me, of course she didn’t mean it in a disrespectful way it was only that she was a racist bitch and sometimes she didn’t know who to speak properly, but I still couldn’t get what “that boy is going to be a fag” meant, and I didn’t until I was fifteen, yeah yeah I was pretty innocent and I didn’t have any idea about sex, I didn’t learn anything in all those years because as I told you I never got a girlfriend, between my big mouth, my lack of self-esteem and my gens I couldn’t get one, even though the world said that all boys should get a girl, skip classes, have bad grades and spend half semester in detention, yeah I was the worst boy-son in history and I couldn’t do anything about it.