troglodytic

2

my rapid heartbeat is suddenly the only sound i hear entering the comfort of my own bedroom.

thump thump

it's dark and dismal but really no different than being in a crowd. the lack of joy is nearly the same.

there's a voice in my head that won't seem to fade. it's of a boy who had low self-esteem and the cutest nose. i bet he wouldn't say the same for me.

at this point it is almost impossible to hold back tears. i bite my lip to prevent myself from having a complete mental breakdown.

"you are so pretty", he would murmur. he didn't mean it. hewas too good for me anyway. i loved him with all of my heart, but he couldn't care less if my heart was beating or not.

i still remember when i found out about the incident. i wasn't upset. an instant rush of anger was the only emotion i recall feeling. now that he's gone, i don't really feel much of anything. just emptiness.

when michael used to go on about how he felt "numb", i clearly did not understand. i think that's one of the many reasons we weren't compatible. or at least one of the reasons he felt strongly about. my boyfriend was looking for a shoulder to cry on and all i could offer was my fond.

back when he was in the hospital i didn't visit him. sure, most people would regret such a choice. being entirely honest, if i were to go to that hospital, it would be the most unintelligent decision i have ever made.

someone suffering mentally doesn't want to hear someone like me whimper about how i need them in my life or how great of a person they are. truthfully, if i said those words to michael earlier, he would be right here next to me at this very moment. offering a shoulder to cry on.

everyone attempted to tell me he was broken, but i don't quite believe in being "broken". maybe a little bent out of shape-but never broken.

a smooth voice coming from outside the bedroom door finally broke the silence.

"luke, it's lionel, i'm going to ash's house tonight. will you be alright alone?"

"mhm, it's fine. have a great time," i tried letting out with the least bit of dryness as possible.

a little while later, the familiar sound of the door closing occurs, meaning that lionel must have left. he actually wants to go out and do something with his life. surrounded by his friends. those who care about him. offer a shoulder to cry on.

while i continue to sit in silence.

A/N

i actually updated !!

-tayah