.
..
...
My life was in your hands
Things were moving too slow for my liking
I needed to get things done, to move up the ladder
And my patience towards you was wearing out
I took it back to my hands
I liked the wrong guys, guys who did not look back after they got what they wanted
All I wanted was to feel wanted and loved
They did not give me that
One guy decided that I was not worth anything, he went ahead even before things got anywhere and established something with my friend
I loved her
I thought she knew I liked him
I thought he knew that I like those down for the chase
But he was not the running type, gave up too easily in the first round
Maybe I was not patient enough with him as well
The other one decided to be too tribal just to have his freedom
I spent two whole years waiting for one to open his eyes and look at me like one of those girls he fancies
My wait was not worth it
He still left in the name of "he does not do relationships"
Was I not worth anything to either of them God?
I feel stubbed in the back by the people I call friends
When I try to evaluate, I find that they don't Know me
They are quick to go ahead and judge, yet they call themselves friends that's funny
My life was still in my hands,
Nothing entinced me anymore
Don't talk of friend's,, don't even go anywhere near my career nor my relationships
They all have one thing in common- emptiness
I tried manuevering my life left, right and center it's like a steering wheel of a stagnant car, it does not move
The little it does is downwards that was the only direction it took
I wrote poems about the heartbreaks, the closed doors, the false friends, the many challenges I was facing
Not even the poems filled my heart
I needed more ,, more of something that I had no idea of
Deleted all my social media accounts, still not at peace
I want it all and I want it now
I want things to work to my good
I don't want to see people happy and yearn to be
Yes, I was jealous of happy people because I lacked that
I had the biggest smile in the room but deep inside I wanted to cull up in a ball and cry my eyes out
I wanted to be in a dark room and suck in my sorrows and insecurities
Did I tell you my insecurities got the better part of me when I took back my life?
Did I even mention I had a different illusion of life in my head different from my reality?
Or how I could picture only bad things happening to me
Do I deserve any good thing really?
All this came crumpling down to me like a tornado hits the ground and crashes everything in sight,
That's how insecurities and fears came to me
I was not happy inside ..
Days I was happy, I dressed my best and wore make up because that reflected my mood
They were not many but they meant something to me
I said hi to everyone even the people I did not know on the streets,
If I pitied them, I said hi that was my way of bringing back hope to them
Hope that I no longer knew the meaning of
I was just living Monday came and went, Tuesday followed the same trend, week after week, month after month,
I had nothing
Nobody knew because "I'm the live of the party" nothing could ever be wrong with me, could it??
If anyone suspected I was not okay, I could give my best shot in smiling and they would be convinced I'm better than ten kids on sugar rush
Nothing worked
My family, please bless them God, were always supportive
But never knew that shit was getting real
Days became weeks that became months
Time changed, people became less concerned, I was still the same
My heart was not okay
My mind drifted every two minutes of concentration
My soul oh my soul, it never belonged it was just there
My emotions, I was easily irritable but kept it all in
Physically, I was a mess because I could eat all I could at work but never cooked at home, never exercised
I was just a moving body not a corpse because I was not dead
But I was empty
I wanted a better life,
To build my mama a house by the time I'm 25
Problems were so many that instead of us being independent and giving her back, we were borrowing from her,, cruel I know
But we had no option, living from hand to mouth
Things were never better, we did not know the right people to connect us to the right jobs
The only person we knew was You
But the clever me decided to take back her life and have it in her hands
This was not then
This is now
Sad and bitter truth
25th June 2019 - 8.30pm
I did not want to keep it in any longer because I might be depressed
But it's happening to me God
I'm hitting Rock bottom and I don't have the courage to tell it out
I tell some people bits and pieces but never tell one person everything
So different people have different stories
They are not close that they would put that together and come to a conclusion that I am not okay
I'm struggling with success
Struggling with being happy
Struggling with finances
Struggling in my career
Struggling with my weakness
Struggling with my insecurities
Struggling with fitting in
They are all getting the better part of me
And I'm writing this because I need help from you
I give you back my life, it's officially in your hands now and forever
I never want it back to mine, they are too small to deal with all this imperfections and challenges
I can't imagine how you love me with all my stubbornness and big headedness
They all leave but you are the only man who has never left me
God wait, are you a Man?
Like seriously I'm curious and I would love to know so that I can know exactly who I'm dealing with here
I know you are my father, does that make you male?
I'll conclude that as a yes because well, I might never get my answers
But just so you know, I love you
I never stopped loving you even when I had my life in my hands
I always knew you are with me, I hear your footsteps sometime when I walk
I even see shadows (I assume those are your sweet angels) and that makes me happy
You are the one person who makes me happy
I know I don't put so much time and effort with you, but now that you have my life in your hands,
I'll do everything to please you my king
Thankyou for reminding me that things will be better
You are my happy place even when I feel like I belong to the world, you always have your ways of reminding me I belong to you
And I would like to keep it that way forever
Because you are my one and only true love
Who always love me even when I don't love me myself
I'll improve on this love
Your love
And
My love
Dear God,
I am hopeful that it's all gone
May I pass all your tests
I will be faithful (so help me God)
I'm done pouting and acting normal
I am more than the earth and everything in it
I am your child
And You are my father
I will concentrate on that and nothing else
Please hear me
Dear God
