I Probably Hate You

Ten

Mallory drove Ed and I back home after the whole fiasco.

The ride was completely silent, probably because I was glaring at my side view mirror and Ed was passed out in the backseat and Mallory wasn't the type to ask what had happened.

Later that night, when the shouting downstairs had receded, I lay in bed cursing out all parties thrown on this planet.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Come in" I said.

Grandma came in, clad in her nightgown, looking upset. She sat on my bed and stared at Mia's sleeping form on her bed across from mine before she spoke quietly "you know what your mother told me a few hours before she passed?"

I held my breath as I waited for her to continue "at the time, we were all holding on to the bid of hope that she'd survive and come out strong like she always did. But she knew. Somehow she knew it was her time.

"She reached out her arm and said to me, 'Momma, I ask nothing of you but to make sure all of my children are okay. No matter what time or what place. My heart will only truly rest when I know my babies are alright'"

She wiped at what might've been a tear from her face. "I am responsible for all of you, regardless what you think, but I still wish you'd taken better care of your brother tonight, when I wasn't there to do so. It breaks my heart seeing him this way. You remember how he was when he was younger, always happy, always cracking silly jokes." She paused, breathing evenly.

"Sometimes I wish I could take all your burdens off your chests and put 'em on myself." She stared off into an unknown world.

She stood briskly and squinted at my window "is that the Fallbrook boy?

"What?" I asked dazedly

"What was his name again....Gaten. what's he doing down there?"

"I don't know!" I stared in disbelief at his form leaning against the hood of his car.

"Go see what he wants" Grandma said, staring out the window concernedly.

"I don't...He probably came to see Ed"

"All your siblings are asleep. It's freezing out, he'll catch hypothermia if he stays out there"

Gaten was rubbing his hands together with his shoulders hunched around his ears when I stepped out. The sound of the door shutting caught his attention and he looked up as I descended the three steps of our porch.

"It's 2:30 a.m. and like negative 3000 degrees out, what in the world are you doing here?!"

He was still in his earlier outfit from the party but he'd washed all the face paint off. He shoved his hands into the giant pockets of his coat. "I just wanted to make sure you're both okay. I swear to you Diane, if I'd known Ed would-"

"I know" I said shortly. I looked at his face and sighed "I don't blame you" I grumbled.

He turned to face me fully "you don't?"

I shrugged. In reality, if it was anyone's fault it was Ed's. And mine.

Ed had deliberately chosen to go. He'd hitched a ride with Gaten and I'd unrightfully depended on him to watch over my fifteen year old brother. Ed had screwed up multiple times tonight and I hadn't watched over him like the oldest sibling I was.

Gaten breathed out a laugh. "Honestly, I thought you'd feel like this whole thing was my fault. I was even preparing myself for a good old Diane Melvin Scolding"

I bit down on my cheeks, hard, so they wouldn't do something stupid, like lift.

"So what happened with that Susan girl and her abusive boyfriend?"