I Probably Hate You

Fifteen

If someone, at any point of my life, had told me or were to tell me that one day id be leading a rebellion against all fedora makers in this world i probably would have thought there is a significantly greater chance of that happening than me ever again standing outside Ellis Kurtic's house, seconds  away from knocking at her front door.

I wanted to stall, but i realized the sooner I knocked, the sooner this was over with.

Ellis answered once id knocked, but she said nothing. Her dark hair was up in a tight ponytail that lifted her whole face, and i noted her sense of style had been elevated since middle school.

It was still Ellis, though, one of my ex closest friends. It was still her light brown eyes and bronze skin. She still wore her favorite peach perfume.

Seeing her so clearly now didn't repulse me nearly as much as it should've.

Ellis still was not saying anything, staring at me like I was some alien

I stiffly gestured towards my duffel bag once the silence was too much to bear. "you said 5:30 was okay with you? Because we need to get started with our project"

"Yeah" she said, staring me down. "Of course, come on in"

Her house didn't look much different, and that bothered me for some reason.

As if solely because my life had done a one eighty in the past couple of years, I expected to notice her's had too somehow.

"where do you want to work on it?" Ellis asked. She was looking right at me now, and there was a barely concealed emotion behind her eyes.

I shrugged "wherever is fine"

We ended up working in their dining room. It was steady for maybe two hours, each of us trying our best to interact as little as possible. At one point I was writing some notes down in my notebook with my head leaning against my palm when I noticed a picture frame hanging on the wall across from me.

Ellis's parents were in the center, hugging one another, with her twin brothers on either side of them. Ellis, who looked maybe ten in the photo, stood in front of them, a huge toothy smile on her face.

I suddenly remembered all the dinners id had with this family at this very table, with her chaotic brothers and warm parents.

"It's so quiet here" I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but now that it was out in the open, Ellis's head snapped up so fast and she frowned at me

"Yeah well, my house isnt the only thing that's grown quiet with time" she was staring hard at her textbook.

I tensed. She noticed this and her eyes softened slightly. "my parents got a divorce freshman year. My brothers are studying abroad. This is their last semester, actually. But they wont be living here once they're done"

I considered that. I could tell this upset her, immensely, but then i reminded myself at least her whole family was alive. At least, even if her mom and dad were hundreds of miles apart, they were still here.

As if she'd read my thoughts she said "I'm so sorry for your loss, Diane"

Because this sentence came out of her mouth, specifically, my mind immediately pictured my father. How could I not tie her with his death forever?

But then i realized she probably meant my Mother. My dad was probably old news to her, something she hadn't blinked an eye at.

Suddenly the hatred i'd so suddenly developed for her in the eighth grade came rushing back. I remembered she was number two on my list for a reason.