Before I knew it, I was in Jace's car. It always smelled like clean laundry, and I never could see outside of the tinted windows. But before I could blink, we were at his house. He had been emancipated at fifteen, and after starting to do business in drugs, he had enough money for several houses in the richer neighborhoods of the Bay Area. The house looked like something straight out of a movie. It amazed me how the freeway could separate people barely scraping by, and people who had money for houses with a legitimate garden, and beautiful architecture, and a million spacious bedrooms.
His favorite house to stay at was the one without a drug lab in a secret room. It had an open concept and high ceilings. It was the safest and closest place for him to babysit me when I got high. The house had its own charm, but Jace made it his own. Despite the very adult-like design, with the light blue walls and beach themed decorations, it was very child-like. The top of the ceilings had the glow in the dark stars stuck on them, because Jace and I always loved to look at the stars. And no one would ever have guessed they were up there, unless they had the patience to wait for it to be as dark as possible outside. We would take some tabs, lay on the floor, and stare for hours.
As we walked in, I threw my stuff in the left direction, towards the couch. I let myself into the kitchen to the right, and I looked through the clean, white cabinets. I found the old box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and stuck my hand in it. I took out a sheet of tabs, acid. These had no design on them, like the ones we would sell. We didn't care. We saved these for ourselves.
Jace walked in behind me without making much noise, and I almost forgot that he was there.
I jumped onto the cold marble counter, and held the sheet of tabs in my hand.
"If you've changed your mind-" Jace rubbed the back of his head.
"I haven't."
"Alyssa, are you sure? I understand that it must be difficul-"
I cut him off again. I didn't want to be reasoned with. Up until this point, I was looking down, but now, I looked up at him. "No, Jace, you don't understand. Your dick works just fucking fine. One day, you're going to have a wife, and beautiful children. I don't get any of that. I was so worried about getting pregnant, that I didn't worry about not being able to even get pregnant in the first place. I wish," I paused, knowing that he didn't want to hear about other guys I was involved with, but at this moment, I didn't care. "I wish that guy, Max, had knocked me up. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I'd much rather be a fucking teen mom than not a mom at all."
He leaned back onto the counter, not looking at me. And then, all of a sudden, like whatever I had said had never come out of my mouth, he stood in front of me, in between my legs. Seeing as I was on the counter, we were at each other's eye level. He rested his forehead on mine, and we took a moment to breathe. He said it quietly, but just loud enough for me to hear, "You know I love you, and all I want is for you to be okay." Even more quickly than our emotions shifted, our lips crashed. I didn't know if I had kissed him, or if he had kissed me, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to feel his affection. And in the back of my heart, I knew I was subconsciously using him, and as bad as it was to say, I didn't care. He wasn't at all what I wanted, but he was what I needed for the time being.
He pulled on my hair, and laid one of his hands on my thigh, slowly inching it towards me. For a second, I thought we were going to have sex, and I wanted to, but something stopped him. He pulled away, and I knew he felt like he was using me. And it wasn't like that at all. But for some reason, he was too good of a person to use me in the moment when I needed it.
I sighed, rolled my eyes, and held on to the tabs again. I tore one off, took in a deep breath, and stuck it on my tongue. I let my body relax onto the counter as I laid down on it. My body began to get hot, and the cold marble helped me cool down.
Soon enough, the room tripled in size. Things that were once dull colors, were now bright and attention grabbing. Jace stood across from me, and of course, began to worry. He gave me some water, let me drink it, and then lifted me and laid me on the couch.
I just let all of it happen.
