The next week was truly a blur. I couldn't remember school, I couldn't remember the bus rides home. I didn't eat for long periods of time, and I stopped drinking my daily gallon of water. I almost wanted my body to shut down.
I still hadn't told any of my friends, and I definitely wouldn't be able to tell my family, so I put up a front. No one knew anything was wrong.
And then I made the mistake of getting drunk before a scheduled FaceTime call.
Daniel. I was in love with him, I had been for almost two years at this point, and I know he felt the same way, but after a family emergency a few weeks after we had developed feelings, he moved all the way across the country. From the San Francisco Bay Area to New York.
He was everything I wanted. He was this kind soul who treated me with respect and wasn't afraid of showing me affection. But neither of us wanted long distance relationships. I know he needed physical affection, and so did I, but I really needed the connection that sex brought. I didn't care if he couldn't hold my hand, I cared if he couldn't fuck me.
Regardless, he still sent me mixed signals. He would text me all the time, FaceTime me all the time, always throw in compliments, calling me beautiful, or cute, or funny, just complimenting me. But the worst thing that threw me off were the "I love you" texts. What did he expect me to say back? I felt it, but I didn't want to make things complicated.
But because I had been silently suffering alone, driving myself to insanity, I decided to drink. My dad and step-mom often gave me alcohol, and (almost always) I would stash it and take it home with me when I went back to my mom's house. After drinking nearly a whole bottle of a sixteen ounce rum, I was starting to feel woozy.
And then my phone began to ring and vibrate violently.
I covered my mouth in shock, remembering that Daniel and I planned a time to FaceTime specifically on Thursdays, since he had work at a weird time.
I began to angrily smack my head with the palm of my hands.
Still covering my mouth, I reached over for my phone that was on my nightstand. I picked up, and propped it against a pillow on my bed. He took one look and me and of course, him being himself, asked what was wrong.
"Nothing, why do you ask?" I felt like I was slurring my words.
"Because you're drunk. What's wrong, princess?" Even through my phone's screen, I could see the emotion in his eyes. His beautiful hazel eyes. I missed them.
But of course, I told him everything. The ovaries. Jace. I couldn't help it. Here was this man who I loved with everything I was, and I was drunk. I couldn't even quite control what I was saying.
He stayed quiet for most of it- granted, what was he supposed to say? But then when I finished talking, he said the most insulting thing ever.
"I don't really need kids to be happy. I'd be okay with no kids." He gave a weak smile.
Impulsively, I hung up. I grabbed my phone, and tossed it against a wall. I knew my screen wouldn't crack because I had a screen-protector. I quickly grabbed a pillow, held it to my face, and I screamed.
Selfish. That was selfish. It didn't matter if he was okay with not having kids, who said we would even end up together? Practically, I knew I probably wouldn't marry the guy. It's not like I knew I was going to have a secured future with him. But regardless, I wanted kids. It didn't matter what he wanted. If I wanted kids, I was going to have kids. With or without him. With or without any man. I didn't need some guy to reassure me that I didn't need to have kids in order to satisfy them. Despite the fact that I loved Daniel, all I could do was hate him in this moment. Why did any man feel like they were entitled to make such a decision? It was my body.
MY.
CHOICE.
I continuously screamed for nearly an hour. My phone kept buzzing against my room's hard-wood floors, ignoring Daniel's calls was one of the most difficult things to do. I understood why he said what he did, but it was out of line.
Wasn't it?
And almost on cue, I heard a tap on my window. It was night, the time when I was the most active, so I wasn't surprised when I saw Jace. He knew I would be up.
With all of my being, I wanted to open the window, flip him off, close my window, lock it, and close my blinds. Yet, something in my mind wouldn't let it play out like that. I knew Jace cared about me, at least I did in the back of my mind. So I let him in.
The started talking, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. My mind couldn't, and probably didn't want to, process words. I looked into his bluish green eyes, took in a breath, and then placed my hands on his face. Before he could understand what was happening, I lurched his face towards mine, crashing our lips together.
"Come in," I whispered, "please."
He did as he was told, and he knew what was about to happen. He sat on my bed, and even more quickly than I had moved before, I got on top of him and kissed him aggressively.
I desperately needed his touch. His fingers ran through my hair, and he obviously wanted to make it more passionate, softer. More full of love.
But I didn't want that.
And I never would. Not with him.
Before I could realize what I was doing, I was grinding on top of Jace, starting to let my hands roam towards his belt buckle.
Without breaking our kiss, I began to undo his pants. I was ready to get onto my knees, but Jace lifted me off of him and stood up. He placed me onto the bed, and kissed me. I was excited, but when he pulled away from my body, instead of taking off my sweats, he started to talk.
"I can't do this, Alyssa. You're drunk, and you're in a vulnerable place as is, and I don't want to use you like-"
"No-no-no-no-no-no- NO. Use me. Use me for fuck's sake. I want you to. I don't even think that counts as using me. I'm CONSENTING. I give you my CONSENT. Just FUCK ME. Please." I was still laying back, but I used my elbows to prop me up a little bit. I stared at him, but he couldn't quite meet my eyes back. "Please." I said it so quietly, I wasn't sure if I had even actually said it, or if I had just mouthed the words.
I hadn't actually noticed that Daniel had stopped calling me until my phone began to ring again.
"You should probably get that." He grunted as he zipped up his pants. He was about to swing his leg out of the window, but he hesitated. He went back over to me, leaned down, and kissed my forehead. "Call me when you're sober, Alyssa Jade."
And as quickly as he arrived, he vanished into the dark, night sky.
