By the time I came down from my high, it was nearly three in the morning. I had no idea what time Jace had picked me up from my roof. It had been less than twenty four hours since I was told the news. It already felt like a lifetime ago.
At some point, I had taken my shirt off, and here I was, on the floor of Jace's living room, shirtless, tired, and depressed. I was laying in front of the TV, and he sat on the velvet, cream couch. He got up to get me some water and something to eat.
When he returned, he handed me a sippy cup, knowing very well that I wouldn't sit up for my water, I would continue to lay here until my body completely recovered.
"You want the turkey sandwich or the chicken sandwich?"
"Do they have mayonnaise?"
"Of course not, AJ, I know you despise it."
I rolled my eyes, "I have to make sure. Give me the chicken." He handed it to me, and on my first bite, I nearly choked due to the fact that I had taken such a large bite.
Once we finished eating, I got up and found my shirt. I closed my eyes for just a second, dreading school in the morning, especially after the last couple of hours I'd had. I sat down on the couch with Jace. He wrapped his arm around me as I leaned my head onto his shoulder.
"Can I ask something.... Sort of selfish?" He asked.
"I don't think I can even imagine you as selfish, but sure." Sarcasm laced my voice.
"Take out your IUD."
"Excuse me? I had contractions for that shit and I still haven't even used it. Why should I ta-"
"Alyssa. Listen to me." At this point, our bodies were facing each other. He was holding onto my hands. He took a long pause and continued, his voice very deep and low. "I love you, and you know that. I'm in love with you. And if you can't have kids for much longer-"
"No," I jerked my hands and body away. "No, no. NO. NO. That is NOT an option. What the fuck J-"
"Listen, some other asshole is going to knock you up and not be able to support you, at least I ca-"
"Yes. BY SELLING DRUGS! Why would I ever want to raise a child through that?"
"I care about you Alyssa Jade Royce! With everything that I fucking am. And we could try this, but you don't even want to give it a shot."
Angrily, I grabbed my phone off of the kitchen counter and began to go towards the door. Of course, Jace ran in front of me. He used his body to physically block me from leaving. I looked up at him, and I really looked at him. I looked at his eyes. His bright eyes begged me not to go.
"If you don't let me go, I'm going to hurt one of us in the process." I left my voice to be quiet, but just loud enough for my point to get across. My words were swimming in anger.
He tried to grab my hand again, but I didn't let him. I balled my hands into fists. He scratched the back of his head, sighed, and opened the door.
I walked out, my head held high. He stood in the entryway. I called Max, asking him for a ride home. I knew he'd be willing to come pick me up. Jace stayed on the porch until I got picked up, still not saying a word. As I got into Maximiliano's car, I looked back at Jace. He waved, and I could make out a weak smile. I took in a deep breath, and let Max drive me home.
-=+=-
Max parked outside of my house, but there was obviously something he wanted to say. Instead, he leaned over, and began to kiss my neck. And maybe it was selfish of me to turn towards him, lean closer, and press my lips into his. I held onto his face, and I could feel his beard rub against the tips of my fingers. His hands ended up tangling themselves in my hair, and one of them slowly wandering down towards my chest.
And then his phone went off.
Max pulled away. He took his phone out of his pocket, and checked it. I couldn't see the name on it. He grunted and said, "Fuck, sorry. I got to go."
"It's fine," I sighed, "We'll just reschedule."
He leaned in again to give me a kiss, and ultimately let his phone go to voicemail.
"Thanks for the ride." My voice had some genuine feeling in it, but I couldn't tell what it was. I let myself out of the car.
Once I got to the front of my door, I realized I had snuck out. I couldn't believe I had almost forgotten. As frustrated as I was, I still managed to quietly climb up the ladder Jace had left earlier that night. I crawled into my bedroom and closed the window and blinds. I stripped off my black shirt and my jeans and threw them onto the floor.
I stood there for a while, my head hurting as though I had just been aggressively banging it against a wall for an hour straight. It was nearly five in the morning, and I knew my mom was in San Francisco at her friends' house, getting ready for work.
I called her, complaining about a migraine, fabricating a story of throwing up blood, not being able to sleep, and sweating profusely. She yelled at me over the phone, telling me it was the last time she would allow me to be absent for the rest of the school year.
I finally let my body rest by laying down. My head hit my pillow, and I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. My mind fought the sleep. Every hope I'd had about my future was tarnished. Reality began to sink in, making my heart, mind, and soul feel heavy.
I grabbed my phone, got onto spotify, and began to play music. It was all I could think of doing. I let the music play quietly, just loud enough for me to hear. The slow, sad tones of whatever songs I had playing kept me relaxed, but in the same mood as I needed to be in. I didn't want to hear anything hopeful or happy or even slightly upbeat. I just wanted to feel gone. I wanted to be erased. I wanted to feel like I wasn't the only miserable person on the earth.
