Lexa's still not looking at her and she's not looking anywhere but at Lexa. She doesn't look devastated; or even sad. She's... pensive, again. Just like earlier, on their hike. Pensive, and uneasy, as she clearly contemplates something she's not telling Clarke about yet.
She's starting to regret the decision to ask her about her past love now. It could've waited. She would've been weird, perhaps, yes, but it could've waited till they came back and talked about it with Dr. Grant present.
(It doesn't make her happy – this resigned realization that they've become somewhat dependent on their therapist. But there are things where she's necessary. And this? This is definitely one of these things.)
"I didn't expect you to figure it out so soon," Lexa quietly confesses after a while. They've been sitting in silence for almost a minute. Clarke counted. The revelation should probably shock her, but all it brings is another wave of sadness. It feels – not right, but conclusive. It makes sense, all of it.
She curses herself for not speaking up before Lexa proved her right. She could've stopped her. Could've told her that – but it's too late now. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. The three pillars of her life, resurfacing once again. Looming behind her, as if to remind her that some things will never change.
Is she destined to always cause Lexa pain?
Clarke inhales, sharply, closing her eyes and rubbing them as she tries to focus. To stop all the thoughts swarming in her head, like wasps ready to attack and sting till she no longer moves. She knows what's happening, logically – Dr. Grant warned her that there might be bad days when she'd be consumed by guilt, and anything could be her trigger. Even something as small as burning a toast. Clarke remembers chuckling at that.
Now, she's not sure she'll ever laugh again.
She doesn't know she's trembling until there are arms around her, hands cupping her cheeks and travelling to her shoulders, and then back to her face. Lexa is frantic with her movements. "Clarke," she hears. The voice sounds worried, and far away, and she grits her teeth together.
Breathe. Focus. Come back to her. Be there for her. You'll hate yourself later.
With some difficulty, she manages to open her eyes and get her breathing under control, meeting the concerned green. "I'm okay, I'm – I'm sorry," she says, in a broken whisper. Lexa doesn't let go of her, but her hands still, finding her waist and resting there. "I'm fine. I don't know what came over me."
Lie. Another lie. Even now, you're still lying to her. Her lip hurts when she bites into it, hard.
Lexa shakes her head, slowly. "This is why I was reluctant to tell you," she starts, quietly. "I know what you're thinking. But when we met, Clarke – I was ready to move on. I think, now, that I already did, even before I knew you." Green eyes search hers, urging her to understand. "If I weren't, I wouldn't have let this go as far as it did." She swallows, thickly, and her hands tighten on her waist. "I wouldn't have let myself fall for you. I never did with anyone else."
Clrke tells herself to listen to her. Trust her, Dr. Grant used to say. Trust her when she tells you about her feelings, whatever the nature of those is. It was an important lesson, and their therapist never failed to mention that. She was concerned Clarke's guilt might not let her believe in Lexa's love when it was crucial.
The woman is a goddamn clairvoyant.
But that's not what makes her stomach coil with horror. She believes Lexa. She knows she wouldn't tell her something just to placate her without meaning it. Lexa was ready to move on and start living her life again when she met her.
