two p.m. thoughts; random

ii; overweight

okay so, i've been overweight since i was a kind and ya know after a while u just start to except it. especially as a kid, but then the world comes at you when you're young and tells you that you aren't supposed to look that way, that you're supposed to be skinny and athletic, white and privileged, just plain perfect. well i'm not a single thing on that list so obviously i was a target for society.

so, to continue this, i am about 210 lbs, which is honestly not a lot but considering the fact that i'm short, it kind of shows. i'm supposed to be around 130 so that is a drastically big difference. and to all the people out their who say, just lose the weight, just eat healthy, forget u man. it's honestly not that easy. for many years i've dealt with this. for many years i've had to face the fact that i'm not fit, that i am fat so stop saying that i'm not.

i've tried almost everything that you can think of. i either give up because i feel as though it just gonna be this way forever or i think i'm improving and fall of the wagon. and i don't know how i'm gonna do this. i've tried excepting what i look like but there are some things i wanna do, things i wanna wear and i can't do that looking and feeling the way i do.

so i'm gonna keep trying. keep trying to eat better, keep trying to exercise more and just look the way i feel in the inside sometimes. and no i'm not saying that you shouldn't focus on trying to love yourself, that if you're overweight that you have to lose weight, cause some people don't feel like they do and u don't have to. but i'm tired of all the side eyes and the flares and my parents especially coming at my weight all the time.

i have to change.