56 Dragonflies

6

Monday morning, I had a session with Allison, my therapist at the hospice.

I actually did like her quite a lot, she didn't treat me like I was a maniac.

Her work room was small but organized and cozy. Allison sat across from me with a kind smile on her face, her greying blonde hair in a loose ponytail.
"So, how was your weekend with your parents?"
"Fine."
"Anything interesting happen?"
"We helped our new neighbours move in."
"That's a nice thing to do."
"The son is annoying though."
"Sons can be like that." Laughed Allison lightly.

I bit my short nails and stayed quiet. I was shy around Allison sometimes, probably because I actually liked her. I tended to be reckless and neurotic around people I didn't care about, and shy around people I did care about.

"Did you get any time to write in your journal?"
"No." I had forgotten to write in it over the weekend, I had been busy helping the Benchley's. "Bonnie wants me to get in touch with my old friend Piper." I blurted out.

"Piper sharpe? Your best friend back in the day?" Allison smiled sweetly.
"Yes. Her." I murmured.
"How do you feel about that?"

I shifted my weight on the sofa.
"I don't know." I said finally, "I can't name the emotion."
"What about colours?"

I looked up, confused. Allison explained, "Would it be easier to explain how you are feeling with colour instead of emotion? I know you don't realize it, but you're a very creative young woman. Could a certain colour describe your feelings and portray your emotions instead?"

I thought about this for a moment. She was right, colours were significant to me. They held more meaning than people assumed.
"It made me feel yellow, red, grey." I said at last.
Allison nodded along.
"Piper had a bold personality, so you've told me. But you liked that, correct?"
"Yeah."
"So why would you be feeling yellow, red and grey? Those seem like pretty confusing colours."
"Because I'm confused."
"About?"

I took a deep breath. Should I tell Allison about my foot? I shook the thought away. As if I would tell her that. I'd be moved to an even tighter facility.
"Im confused about what I want. " I said cautiously. "Piper and I ended our friendship badly. I don't think she would have forgiven me yet."

"How did the friendship end?"
I fidgeted with my hospital shirt a little bit as I spoke, looking out the window the whole time.
"Um, Ninth grade. Before I dropped out of school at Eastdale. I got into a bad group of friends."

The forest.
The cigarettes.
Red eyes.
Mike.
Blue, blue, blue.

"They were pretty wild. But they were cool, you know?" I said, my voice drifting slightly.
"They wanted me, and it made me feel special. They didn't like Piper though, and Piper didn't like them.. So, I guess I sorta ended up choosing my new friends over her. Umm.. But I regret it. A lot. They weren't good people and they did a lot of bad things to other people... And to me." I struggled to breathe.

"Alexander. Remember where we are, remember that you are safe." Allison said soothingly in the back of my head somewhere. She was the only one I allowed to talk to me like that, like I was a coaxed baby.

I nodded and focused on Allison, not the rising memories.

Mike. Evelyn. Violet. Tanner. Ben.
Mike. Mike. Mike.

I shook my head, but the memories kept rising. Allison's voice faded and my vision went slightly blurry.

"Can I call you Lexy?" Evelyn asked me, her piercing green eyes fixed on me as if this were all a fun game. "Yeah. Sure." I replied, completely unsure. Evelyn led the way through the woods, hand in hand with her best friend Violet. I was close behind them, feeling a bit nervous.
Ben and tanner trailed along a few feet behind us girls.
"Cool. You can call me Evey." Evelyn said silkily over her shoulder. That was a big deal for her to say, and my heart jumped.
I felt so rebellious being out here in the woods, with four bad kids. It gave me a rush, almost like the cuts did. "I might." I replied coolly. Giving myself a point for whatever game all of us were playing at. Evelyn's arm twitched slightly.
Violet glared at me over her shoulder, but only for a second so that nobody else noticed.
"Eve, stop, it's right here." Ben called in his deep, raspy voice from the back of the group.
There in the middle of the woods, were six campfire chairs around what appeared to be a pile of cigarette buds and some beer cans.
Sitting in one of these chairs, was an older boy, probably about seventeen. He was tall and lanky, with a scruffy face and intense blue eyes. He had a gold Karat chain around his neck and had a large, dirty bong sitting in his hands.
His eyes fell on me and he looked at me like I was a full course meal and he was dying to dig into me.
I suddenly felt a bit self conscious. I stopped walking abruptly, causing tanner and Ben to walk into me. Ben grabbed the sides of my arms to steady himself. Evelyn and Violet sat in the chairs and glanced over at me, expectant.
"Mike," greeted Ben, still holding onto my arms. "Lexy here is ready to feel her first high, if you would do the honours."

I woke up in my hospital bed, alone. I realized suddenly, that tears had been sliding down my cheeks.