56 Dragonflies

2

I live mostly in the hospital now. The doctors want me to be supervised excessively, so I'm only allowed to go home on Weekends.

It's weird that my actual house doesn't feel like my home. Bonnie and Scott call me a lot to see how I am, and I can tell they miss me a lot.
I've basically been living in the hospice since I was fourteen. All the staff know my name now.

I was lost in my train of thought about how messed up it was that I was more comfortable in a hospital than my parents house, when suddenly my group therapy counsellor began speaking.

"Good morning everyone, it's the first of August, today. I love summer, don't you?" Jane was a middle aged woman with her hair always in a tight brown bun and old fashioned clothes. I didn't mind her personally, but I knew there were some kids in the ward who found her aggravating. (And yes, it's basically a fucking ward.)

Our group therapy room was small, with blue walls, and chairs laid out in a circle and a brown coffee table in the centre. It was plain and boring, just like Jane.

When nobody answered to Jane's question, she cleared her throat and pulled out her note pad. She flipped through two or three pages and then looked up again with a smug expression on her face.

"Harper, would you like to start the discussion today? Tell us a little bit about how you're feeling?"

Harper was sitting beside me. She had just come in this week, but I had a feeling she would be staying for a while.

"I'm not sure if I wanna do that yet.." Harper murmured, blushing and smiling a little bit out of nerves.

She was a quiet girl, probably the same age as me. She had super short hair. If I hadn't seen her face,- or her enormous breasts, I would have assumed she was a boy.
I actually liked the short hair look, and constantly thought about cutting my own hair the same length. My hair was ridiculously long because I hadn't been able to cut it in so long. I wasn't allowed to handle scissors.

"Perhaps you'd like to share a bit of why you are here with the rest of the kids. There's no need to feel self conscious, we are all here because we are hurting."

Harper shuffled her body weight and bit her thumb nail.
"I live with my dad now. A year ago my parents were together and happy and then they divorced outta nowhere. Maybe there were problems going on that I didn't know about. So when they split up, my mom got full custody.. Which was really hard. She just got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she won't let me see my dad. It's difficult to live with her, I guess."

I crossed my legs and stayed quiet. It looked like one of the boys across from our chairs was checking her out. Which I found a bit rude, personally. She was spilling her heart out to a bunch of strangers, after all.

"Would you like to go deeper into how she made you feel?" Jane inquired.
Harper hunched over ever slightly and fiddled with her hands. Her nails were chipped but painted white.

"She made comments about my weight. She would leave me home alone for days to go visit her new boyfriend a-and She moved in with him this year. " Her voice had gotten shakier the more she spoke.

I didn't think she was crying, but I honestly couldn't tell with her body hunched over like that. Her head was basically in her stomach now.
She doesn't look fat. I thought, she just looks curvy.

I leaned back in my chair and man spread my legs. Jane caught my eye with a nervous glance, then focused back on Harper.
I could tell that a lot of the staff here were uncomfortable around me. I gave off an 'uncomfortable vibe' I heard Dr. Mafalda tell a nurse once.

"Well, Harper, things are clearly better now that you've moved in with your dad, right?" Jane beamed at the depressed girl.
I scoffed but Jane ignored me.
Her bubbliness made everyone a bit awkward.

Harper moved her shoulders around. "Yea, I guess." She squeaked.
"Which is clearly why she's here right now, because things have clearly gotten so much better." A girl named Danica whispered sarcastically to the boy beside her. They were across from me in the circle. It seemed as though nobody else had heard her.

I'd been here so long, I'd basically figured out everybody here.
People came and went, but a few of us stayed at the hospital for a while. Jane kept speaking, but I zoned out from her voice and zoned into all the teenagers sitting here.
Percy Moore. He had been here a few times, staying for a week or two then leaving again. He was skinny and small for his age, which was seventeen.

His glasses were always crooked, and he always talked about how he got bullied and this girl named Joy who was always there for him, moved away recently. He seemed pretty in love with her. I assumed she didn't feel the same way though, Percy wasn't the most romantic type from what I've gathered.

Danica was a real nut job. She was diagnosed with Multiple personality disorder. Sometimes she followed me around trying to talk to me, then other days she would shove or throw things at me for no apparent reason.

She usually wasn't allowed at group sessions for the safety of the other patients. She had been here almost as long as me,- probably about a year and a half. She always wore her hair in a scraped back tight as fuck red ponytail. She had developed a habit of flirting with any boy that came in to the psych ward. Who would wanna flirt with the psychos? Apparently, her.

She always pulled down her hospital gown so you could get a good look down her shirt. Her boobs weren't even that big to begin with, they were about the same size as mine. Every time Jane brought up how Danica's stepdad used to hit her, she kinda just zoned out and stayed silent, something she never does.
She was weird.

Samson had been here for only 10 days, and he seems to be pretty average. Brown hair, brown eyes, very quiet but not exactly shy. Just kinda sad. His mother died of cancer and he was grieving.

There was a few others in group I never really cared to investigate.
Cleo Harrison, some Asian girl who cried about her ex-boyfriend a lot. Nick Sombers, a tall awkward kid dealing with his parents divorce. Amy McMannis, who just transitioned into a girl. Shay Murry, getting bullied at school for being overweight. Caleb Astrom, addicted to pain killers. Bella Wellington, some goth girl who rarely spoke unless it was intense swearing. Marisa Von Acker, a girl with a severe panic disorder.

I knew them all, and they were all knew me.
Even the patients that just arrived in the hospice were very aware of me. I wasn't particularly noticeable,-not like Bella was. I had always pictured the name Bella for a six year old girl with freckles and a big bow in her hair. Bella Wellington was the definition of noticeable.

First off, very curvy. But she had to ruin it by wearing those weird silvery bracelets all over her wrists and the black makeup smudged around her eyes. Bella was noticeable, unnerving.

Me, on the other hand..
I was seen as unnerving too, but in a different way. On Tuesdays we are allowed to wear our own clothes instead of the hospital clothing, but I still chose to wear the gown or pants and the white T-shirt. I think that makes people second guess me a bit. I had the chance of a day of normality and I didn't take it. It doesn't help that the scars are all over my body for people to look at. I'm pretty skinny too, 106 pounds on my 5'5 body.

I never wore makeup, even though we were allowed to. I blink and stare a lot at people and my eyes are this weird stormy grey. My hair reaches my tailbone now, all auburn and thick. But of course I ruin it by never, ever brushing it.

Bonnie used to tuck my long hair behind my ears when I was little and say things like, "Oh Lexy, you could look so pretty if you wanted too." Or "sweetie, why don't you borrow some of my mascara today, you're eyes wouldn't look as startling."
The truth is, I could be pretty if I wanted to. But I don't give a shit.