Coming Home

Chapter 30 - I didn't tell her...

Logan

I rested my head back against my pillow, forcing my eyes to shut and my body to relax. But that’s not what they wanted to do. My eyes wanted to study, to memorise every detail of Cassie’s body, to watch every little thing she did, like the way she would look intently out of the window as we drove, not wanting to miss the way the dimming sunlight played on the trees in the evening. To watch the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest as she slept. And my body, my hands itched to run through her hair, down her back. I would cup her waist and pull her to me...

But soon I would never have the chance to do that again. I had broken the promise I made to myself the day Cassie turned up on my doorstep that second time. Don’t let her get away again...

I could hear voices down the hall and walked to my bedroom door. Ever since I had been out of the lab, I had noticed my hearing had increased. It wasn’t something I wanted to dwell on so I didn’t think too much of it. Opening the door, I saw Cassie and Geoff stood outside the doorway to him room, talking quietly, probably trying not to wake Jack, who was sleeping in Geoff’s bed. Cassie was tall, about 5’8, but Geoff was taller so Cassie had her head tilted back slightly so she could look up at him as they spoke.

The way she was looking up at him reminded me of the day I had realised I was in love with her. We had been walking back to my house from town, it was Christmas Eve and everyone was out doing last minute shopping. On the way home we had bumped into some old friend’s of my Mom’s and they stopped and said hi.

As I had been idly chatting to them, their little boy had fallen over a few meters from where we were stood. Cassie was there in an instant, crouching down and putting him back on his feet, brushing him off. He couldn’t have been more than three and his face crumpled, his lower lip trembled and he was blinking rapidly. But Cassie saw this and lent forward, whispering something softly in his ear those made him break into a smile and giggle endlessly.

I never did find out what she had said to him, but at that moment I could see her with her own children, forever picking them up after a fall, nursing them when they were sick. I knew then that any child she would have would be with me, they would be our children. It was a selfish thought, she deserved someone so much better than me, someone who could give her anything she wanted, that could make her happy. But I could try. Something inside of me had changed that day and now there’s not a day I don’t think of her, not a day that I don’t miss her.

And now she was leaving...because of me. She told me she came back to our lake before she left. I didn’t tell her how I had watched her as she sat and cried because of what I had done to her, I didn’t tell her how I had followed her to the airport to make sure she was safe. I didn’t tell her I had cried too.

I didn’t tell her I love her.

I knew better now, she would move on, find someone who could marry her, give her beautiful children. She would be happy. Turning away from them, I tucked the ring that rested in the palm of my hand into the top pocket of my shirt.

She's better of without me, I thought.

Cassie

I turned and saw Logan walking toward me and Geoff in the narrow hallway. I had just been telling Geoff my plan to leave for the airport in a few hours. It was still early and the sun wasn’t fully up yet, but when Jack woke up we would leave.

“Would you please drive us to the airport?” I whispered to Geoff, not wanting Logan to hear.

He nodded just as Logan spoke. “I’ll drive you.”

How had he heard? I looked to Geoff for help but Logan shot me a look that silenced me.

Geoff cleared his throat and turned to Logan. “You need your stitches changed. You can’t let the wound get infected.”

Was it only yesterday he had been stabbed? At the rate Logan was healing I wouldn’t have thought so if I didn’t have the bruises that said otherwise.

Logan nodded and he and Geoff went into the en-suite bathroom in Logan’s room. I followed behind, eyeing the rumpled covers on his bed. Oh, how I wished I could just crawl into his bed and fall asleep. To wake up in the morning and feel my legs entwined with his, my body pressed against him. A sharp gasp from the bathroom brought me from my thoughts and I walked warily to Logan.

It hurt me more than anything to see Logan in pain. His jaw clenched as he tried to hold back a moan, I could see the pain this was causing him and was helpless to stop it. He has to have stitches otherwise he won’t heal. I told myself this over and over but I still didn’t like to see him hurt this way.

He was sat on the edge of the large, white bath tub. He had removed his shirt and the overhead lights made the sprinkling of hair on his chest appear golden, and his eyelashes cast long shadows on his stubble covered cheeks.

Geoff’s head was bent as he worked intently on removing the stitches. Logan’s hand was in a tight fist resting on his thigh. I ran my fingers gently over the back of his hand in a soft caress. Suddenly, his hand turned over and captured my own, his thumb rubbing back and forth. His hand lifted to his face and he pressed a kisses onto each of my fingers, not looking at me. I shut my eyes tightly, weakly trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

We held hands whilst Geoff put the new stitches in, his fingers tightened on mine every so often, and I squeezed back, trying to comfort him in the only way I could.

Eventually, Geoff sat back and announced he was finished. I was forced to drop Logan’s hand and the moment was over. As I walked back through Logan’s room I noticed the shirt Logan had slipped of before having his stitches changed. I vaguely heard him and Geoff walk downstairs as I pick it up. It was still warm, still smelt of him. I left to go and pack, taking it with me.

***

It was now almost six in the evening and pitch black. I was forced to wake Jack up, our flights were at ten and I couldn’t pretend to pack anymore. We didn’t have half a suitcase between us. I set out his change of clothes on the bed and left to tell Logan we were ready to go, letting him change.

I found him in the study. He was sat behind the desk in complete darkness, staring silently out the window.

“Logan?”

No answer.

“We’re ready to go now.”

I heard him sigh softly as he stood up. He’s shaved, I noted. I always liked to kiss him just after he shaved. Once, he had-. No, I don’t need to think about that right now. Reaching into his pocket he drew out an envelope and held it out for me to take.

“Don’t open this until your home.” My name was written on the front of the envelope in Logan’s messy scrawl.

“What is it?”

Before Logan could answer Jack came to the doorway, changed and ready to go. I felt my heart sink. I had been secretly hoping that maybe Jack would say he wanted to stay, or Logan would say he didn’t want us to go.

So, this was it then. The last time I would ever see Logan’s house. In Logan’s truck, I took Jack’s hand and watched in the mirror as the house I always imagined me and Logan growing old together in disappeared into the distance.

The drive to the airport didn’t last nearly as long as I wanted it to. Mutely, me and Jack climbed out of the truck and waited in the rain as Logan handed me my suitcase. My eyes drank him in.

Raindrops glistened like a hundred diamonds in his hair, clinging onto his golden eyelashes. The tiny voice whispered inside my head what I would not, could not say aloud.

Don’t let me go, call me back. Tell me not to leave.

But he didn’t.

I was too scared to say goodbye, afraid I would choke on the tears that clogged my throat. So I silently took Jack’s hand and led him toward the doors of the airport.

“I love you.” I whispered under my breath as I walked away from Logan for the last time. My head tried to turn back to him, wanted one last look at him. But I forced myself to watch the floor disappear beneath my feet though my blurred vision.