Grief • Lando Norris ✔️

depression

Something changed in me after Lando's parents' visited. Maybe it was seeing the people that usually radiated joy so broken, or maybe it had settled in me that I was never going to see Lando again. Either way, something changed. I couldn't bring myself to drop the news about the pregnancy when they're so fresh with grief.

It left me with a feeling like there was a constant hole in my chest. I didn't feel complete. For every waking moment, I just wanted to sleep, for when I slept I could be with Lando. When I wasn't sleeping, I was keeping to myself. This was a lot easier to do since I had decided to sleep in the bedroom, however I refused to move anything of Lando's, or even touch any of his things except the odd shirt to sleep in.

I thought I had cried all of my tears when I entered the second week since his death. I was wrong. The impending funeral that would be taking place next week was at the forefront of most of my waking thoughts. It was going to be for friends and family only, however that still meant a large number of guest. Lando was popular since he was so kind, funny, and had the ability to light up a room. In his short life, he had touched so many people's hearts and his legacy will continue to do so. I knew all of the drivers would be in attendance to grieve. Seeing them all together without him will definitely hurt me.

My behaviour hadn't gone unnoticed by Jack. At every opportunity, he was finding an excuse to come into the room: "I need to open the window"; "I'm just going to sort your laundry"; "Want to watch a film? Or we could start a series? I'm doing it, whatever you say". It's like he couldn't trust me alone. To be fair, I wouldn't trust me alone for long after the bathroom incident. The small cuts on my legs were only just beginning to heal.

"Dinner's ready," Jack said, poking his head around the door.

I turned my gaze away from a fixed spot on the wall to look at him. "I'm not hungry." My voice was monotonous.

I didn't look at Jack long enough to observe his expression and instead tightened my grip on my teddy bear. Lando had won it me during our first date to Brighton pier so I was keeping it close to me. He hadn't been particularly good at the pier games, but he didn't stop until he had won me the teddy.

"Aria." Jack sighed loudly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him push the door open further and walk over to the bed. He sat down at my feet as I made an effort to not look at him. "Please, you haven't eaten anything today."

"I'm not hungry." My stomach betrayed me and let out a small growl. I knew what Jack was thinking and couldn't hold back the tears.

"Please, Aria." Jack's voice was pleading as he placed a hand on my knee. "I'm worried about you."

I swallowed a lump in my throat and shook my head. "Don't."

"Hey, hey, come here." A tight frown formed on Jack's face as he shuffled closer. His arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders and my head buried into his chest. My hands gripped his shirt tightly as I cried into his chest. The teddy bear that had been on my lap had fallen to the floor, but I didn't care. I just wanted to cry.

"It hurts so fucking much," I managed to get out in between sobs. "Why won't it stop hurting?"

"I-I don't know," Jack truthfully replied, his voice barely above a whisper. "If I could make it stop, I would. It hurts to see you like this."

"Lando's not coming back. Why did I send him away in the first place? I'm so fucking stupid, I-"

"Aria, we talked about this. I know how you're feeling."

"No you don't!" I pulled away from the hug to look at Jack's face. His cheeks were wet with tears and his eyes were slightly red. I'm sure I looked a million times worse. "You are in no way responsible for Lando's death, nor do you have any reason to blame yourself. It's been eating me alive knowing that I never even got to tell him that I loved him before he walked out that door the night he died."