My Name is Loto [Pokémon Fanfiction]

17| Running Towards My Past

The next few weeks seemed to pass by in a blur. A slow, meandering blur, but a blur nonetheless. I was released from the bedroom after the first week and a half, only to roam the confines of the house or bookstore. I wasn't allowed to do any real work since I was still too weak, and I could agree with that.

   Because of this, I spent most of my time reading and trying to lose myself in my notes, in which I made little progress. It was hard to even pick up the pencil. While I was ambidextrous, I did prefer writing with my left hand.

   I was surprised that I was sleeping so well at first, then I found out it was just the Sleep Powder the healer had provided. It turned my dreams to unpleasant mush and disoriented me horribly when I awoke, but at least it kept me asleep. The moment it ran out, things took a horrible turn. Every night I awoke from a nightmare, whether it was Rangi trying to kill me, me killing him, or just watching him fall over and over and over.

   Some of the worst nights by far were when he succeeded in killing me or when my reflexes failed me completely, and he severed more than just my fingers. It didn't help knowing that Justice was stashed away in the farthest corner of the house. I would wake from one dread to another, and I would never be able to fall back asleep.

   Even worse than the nightmares was the hollowness, the unhappiness. It'd returned, it had returned, dammit, and it'd never been so noticeable. It pulled at me every second of every day, trying to bring me back into that dark place I'd dwelled in after Kari died. I did my best to resist it. I refused to shut down, though with how things were, I should have. But through all of it, I continued to smile, even if every one was fake. I felt that if I lost that smile, I would've lost it all.

   Soon the coolness of spring began to warm, the night ticking back to allow the day to last longer. Summer was approaching, and eventually the dreaded autumn and winter. For now, the warmer temperatures allowed Cyryl and me to stargaze for more time.

   "And that one would be the Rogue Hero, yes?" Cyryl asked.

   I startled, glancing at them. I'd been too focused on staring at alofa tunoa. I knew it would stick around until late autumn, but I just couldn't help but stare every time I saw it. Also, I'd been trying to ignore the painful pins and needles sensation that had started up in my maimed hand a few minutes prior. I got it often, and it always felt like something was jabbing at the stumps of my fingers.

   Quickly looking to where Cyryl was pointing, I confirmed that they were right. "You're getting good at this. Great job," I praised, though my response was just as tired as the rest of me.

   "Thank you." Cyryl nodded appreciatively as I went back to stargazing. But after a moment they spoke up again. "Loto, you don't have to lie to me. I know something is wrong."

   I tried to play dumb. "What're you talkin' about? Everything's fine," I lied, smiling.

   Cyryl opposed it with a concerned frown. "Even though you're waking up every night screaming or crying?" My smile faltered. I couldn't deny that my cries had awoken Cyryl several times at this point, and I felt incredibly guilty when they did. "You know that I would help you work through it, like we always have," Cyryl said.