[complete] the swan dive | the second diary - katsudeku

day two hundred and six

i feel empty...

i can rant here, right?

i don't feel anything. i feel sad. i feel lonely. i want to die. that's how i feel right now. i feel jealous of kirishima and kaminari- how they have a happy relationship. i want to be in a happy relationship: one without hate or dispute. i want to feel loved, for once in my entire life. i know that father only uses me as a vessel for quirks, and mother gave up on me a long time ago. i know that i'm considered the outcast of the community. i know that you hate me. i hate myself too, to be honest.

i feel like no matter what i do, i can never be normal like all the other people. i can never feel that genuine happiness that i felt during present mic and kacchan's scream-duel. i'm not much of a fighter, either. i give in so easily. i get lost so easily. i get submerged so easily- it's insane. this society of ours, it's falling apart piece by piece. endeavour, aizawa sensei, kamui woods, gang orca, mt. lady...the deaths of the wonder duo that appeared during my quirkless days as a fanboy with dreams of becoming a hero. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i had just jumped then and there, after kacchan threw my hero notes out of the window and told me to take a swan dive off a roof. i wouldn't be wasting so much money on pool entries and swimming equipment, but i can't stop. i can't stop at all. it's addicting, knowing that you'll probably dance on my grave and throw a celebration after my death. i know you hate me, kacchan. it's addicting, knowing that i'll finally make you happy. you'll be proud of me for achieving something for once in my pathetic life.
honestly..?

i just...

i just want i want to be happy,

but it's clear that not even god wants me to feel joy.