I having another bad day, they seem to be more common then not lately.
I doubt.
I doubt if my friends love me and much as I love them. I feel that even though they say other wise, life would be no different without me. I feel bad for thinking like this but you have to understand, my mind is sick and I am too afraid to tell people. The dark thoughts that follow me around, lurking around corners, controlled by validation and acceptance. They control me. I try to fight but I know that it will catch up with me. It will be a battle like none before. I will lose.
I laugh, I'm genuinely happy, spending time with my friends, but they leave. Go home. Live their lives. And I'm alone with it again.
It's selfish, right? To never want to be alone. To put all my feelings towards a few people in hopes that they will save me. It's out of my control however. I'm alone because humans have separate lives and this stupid human is too dependent.
I close my blinds, turn on the sad music to make myself even more sad. I'm sick. Is it not obvious. I overthink everything someone says to me. I make everything negative. I don't believe the compliments but without them I would crumble even further. My mind is a maze that people seem to think they have figured out. She's sensitive. She thinks she's had a bad life so everything you say might make her cry. True as it is, there is more. There is a broken girl who misses the love of her dead father. She is sick and wants to get better but can't say the word help because, others have it worse. Obviously she's just over exaggerating everything. She does that a lot.
I do exaggerate everything because I feel, since I was a child that I wouldn't be enough. I wanted to be interesting. I wanted to be lovable. Even enough to not annoy everyone into leaving. I lied. I lied all the time because attention seemed to be a good way to cope. If I'm distracted, it won't catch me. I self sabotaged though. I drove people away like a rat in a sewer. I annoyed people to hate me. I deserved every snide comment I received. I set it up myself.
I'm a sad excuse of a human. I'm selfish, annoying, useless, untalented and more than anything sick in the head.
Maybe it will get better, maybe worse.
I'm sorry.
