A soft tear rolled down my sweet cheek. I had been crying for 20 minutes about someone who is ignorant to my feeling. I had been doing this a lot recently. I cry over thing I have no control over. It's hilarious. I really have no control over anything. I can't control others feelings not to even mind my own. I can't control the world around me and what the universe decides to throw at me at any given moment. I can't control the fact that this stupid boy I decided to fall in love with is way out of my league. I can't control that I'm in a league of my own, consequently meaning nobody can ever love this annoying loser I have grown to become.
I have to come to terms that nothing is within my control so I mustn't get upset by the fact that I have to watch everyone around me has all that I've ever wanted. The success, the love from others, the happiness I always yearn for. I'll just pretend for now that I'm ok with how life is for me. I can't change what I've been given. I must learn to be appreciative for all that I've been given. I can't help but feel sore though.
I'm hurt that my friends can tell a guy they like them and they don't get a digested look in response. I have become accustomed to this. I have learned that I will never tell somebody else that I like them first. I can't ever see myself saying I love you to somebody new. I will alway deny the fact that I am falling for someone because that means the end of normality. The end of them looking at me normally. The end of them talking to me. The end.
I have to teach people that I have come to terms with my body, ugly and fat as it is. Help them understand that I can't help how unapologetically loving I am. I have to teach myself that others don't like me. They are annoyed, irritated and frustrated with my being. Maybe if I just continue crying alone in my room about things I can't control, nobody will know how toxic my mind is.
I'm sorry.
