I've come to a cross road.
I'm sad again, but not like before. Before was a cold hurtful sad. Now is a different kind of sad. A sad that everyone experiences unlike the sad from before.
I'm sad because I'm set in my own ways and things change. School ends, people move, friends drift. I like to believe I'm the only person lying on my bed crying while trying to distract myself with ice cream and Netflix, why I'm overweight btw, it's stress eating.
I'm not the only one though. Some deal with it better than others. Some don't even get phased by the impending changes. They just deal with it in their own ways because their brains aren't looking for a way to fall back into the rabbit hole that your mind has become so accustomed to.
It breaks my heart. I'm offered support. I don't want that though. I want to wake up and have to dread the next day ahead going to a school that is worse for my mental health than anything else. Why? Because they're there. My whole life. My family. My best friends.
They know me too well to just disappear because they know that the panic attacks are coming back and i need support. I'm selfish again. I never wanted to rely on anybody because once I put my trust in someone, it's all there. I'm aware that they have life's too and they have to succeed and I'm only holding them back.
It's dragging me back to the bad place again thought to think that I can't rely on these people to make plans for me to look forward to. It's honestly a sick way of thinking but when I have something to look forward to I'm able to run from the evil that resides in my subconscious. Just wait until that concert, you can't miss it so don't get sad. It's almost their birthday and it would be selfish to think about yourself until then.
I'm obsessive. Simply because if I obsess over one thing like an upcoming event in order to preoccupy my mind from going to the bad place I'm able to momentarily escape my mind. It's very selfish actually because when someone thinks they're being supportive they're actually breaking down my walls and if they come down, I won't come out alive.
I want to be happy for them. I do. I can't however because I'm a black hole that sucks the life out of those whom I rely on. I will probably write another one of my expressive shit shows of a chapter soon because it's helpful to get the words out of my head so there's more room inside that pig sty. I want to keel over and die.
My dilemma is that I want to feel happy and get help for my sick mind but it won't let me.
Anytime I think about getting help I literally have a panic attack. Wow now I'm unhealthy physically and mentally.
I want to be so proud of my friends who have worked so much harder than me and received an opportunity to succeed and flourish. I really want to but alas I'm still crying about being fat and sad.
