the 𝙒𝙊𝙍𝘿𝙎 of the 𝘾𝙇𝙊𝙒𝙉

「 six 」

After meeting Dennis, that time, I never went home. I rode a bus that I didn't even know where it was headed. Seated near the windshield, I was staring outside solitarily. Everything I was seeing was passing by in a fast, blurry pace, disappearing in an instant.

But really . . . There was nothing to see. It was already dark. All I could see were the tiny flickering lights in every edifice, fainting like wisps made out of nebulosity.

I was holding the drug that Dennis gave me. I wanted to keep it as some sort of lucky charm.

I could not apprehend what was drifting inside my brain. Minutes and minutes had passed and the bus reached its final destination. Exiting the bus, the cold wind welcomed me, giving me its cooling sensation to my skin. I could smell the pungent scent of the soil after the rain, mixing with the calming breeze of the sea. I had no idea where this place was, but I could tell that it was a nearby province.

I walked towards the sea and sat on the log placed on a short distance as I watched the quintessential masterpiece of nature.

The great night was perfect, a vast blanket of black, sprinkled heavily with stars and more stars yet. It was a lucky night—a beautiful night—as though it was perfectly rendered for me to kill myself. 

I want to throw myself in the sea and die.

Why not, though?

I was completely aware of my existence. I was like a poisonous thorn that pricked this family. And little by little, I was actually killing them.

But who mended to be a poisonous thorn? The world itself.

The world was empty, to begin with. Looking at the world in my own perspective, there was no good single thing in this world. Maybe, I guess? I might just lack appreciation.

I knew that I wasn't the only one who had been thinking of this.

Look in every corner around this planet. Everything was changing in just a flash. Humans were blinded by their anxiety, anguish, fear, and boredom. People were hungry of knowledge, they were confused, having no destination in sight. Preoccupied with pleasing men and gaining their approval, they never knew that the knowledge they build would be their greatest downfall.

I am alive. We were alive. Humans lived only at the present moment. And that moment disappeared that instant underneath the sole of their feet. The next moment and the moment after that were exactly the same. It was always the same. It had always been.

Yet I still couldn't die. I wouldn't kill myself this time. My parents would rejoice. I couldn't afford to see them being happy without me. That was why I considered giving this 'angel dust' to them. But the real question was . . . Can I do it?

Could I kill someone? If I did, I could already see myself being thrown into the depths of the fiery, filthy, and hideous hell.

But I needed a reason. A feasible reason to murder someone. What does it really take to take someone's life? Do I have to be in hell first so that I could bring my whole remaining sanity in the brink of true madness?

Now, now . . . Where could I find it? That reason.

I only sighed and decided to leave this place. I was all so tired of thinking. Maybe I could reward myself from keeping this life alive until now.

Walking upon the lonesome night, I watched the whole surroundings with sad eyes. The sound of the night was so quiet. I was always reminded of how sad the sound of the deep darkness. How unpleasant did I live my life, huh? Even the sound of the tranquil night had a sorrowful effect on me.