the 𝙒𝙊𝙍𝘿𝙎 of the 𝘾𝙇𝙊𝙒𝙉

「 seven 」

That night, I went back to the house. It was passed thirty minutes after nine. I only headed to my room and had a quick shower. I also decided to take a rest for now.

What I had seen this night exhausted me. It was something that took half of my lifespan. Lol.

It was funny to think that I had wasted the fifty percent out of one hundred percent of my life, and still, that circus show had taken half of the fifty percent remaining in me. Absolute bullshit.

Also thinking about it makes me want to lose half of the twenty-five percent.

Ah . . . Too much thinking. Maybe I just needed to sleep. But thinking about I, needing a sleep, kept me awake. Seemed like I had forgotten how to sleep properly.

It was just . . . Where do we go when we sleep? Why once my eyes are already closed, all I will see darkness, but eventually see dark red spots to dark blue, even violet?

It felt like I was in a deep, infinite space of darkness and ruins.

Thinking of that made me really feel so sick. And suddenly, I sensed myself being sucked into something deep, like a strong, invisible current that could shred me to pieces.

All my life, I always felt that kind of self-righteous anger towards myself, because I couldn't do anything but to stress out. Even the way I would sleep was seriously stressing me out. Damn. It was more stressful that I couldn't solve anything.

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

Ah . . . I'm now anxious to sleep. It seems like tonight will be my last night. Too afraid if I sleep tonight, I'm going to die.

Wasn't that great, though?

I'm still afraid to die, yet too anxious to wake up. If I sleep and wake up the next morning, it'll be a curse to live for a new day.

So troublesome.

I sighed. I suddenly felt like I wanted to go outside. To do nothing, really. I would like to try if I could kill myself tonight.

So it happened, I exited my room. Once I started walking down the hallway, I noticed that there was a crack separated the door and the doorway of my mom's room. The lights were out and darkness had invaded the whole room.

I wondered what was she doing this night? Was she asleep or out of the house? I didn't know. I never cared, anyway.

But before I could touch the doorknob, I heard silent murmurs of grief.

It was my mother's voice. Ah, she's here.

Stepping closer, I listened carefully to her agonizing cries.

"It is all a mistake! A failure! I know that shouldn't have had a marriage! I regretted bearing a child! I should have killed it! I should have . . . I should be enjoying my life right now!"

What a bitch. How dared her to say something like that? But it was her fault, anyway, I had nothing to do with her.

I left, making my way downstairs.  Maybe I should get a glass of water before going out.

Upon walking towards the kitchen, I felt like something was happening not right. I grumbled as I stopped walking. The path to the kitchen was now dark,  it was kind of bright because the moon was full tonight. 

I usually didn't care, but it got me so curious. And the more I walk further, the more I hear weird noises . . . Walking for a few more steps, the louder the noises became.