When The White Boy Walked In...

7

"Ru?" Thomas stops and faces me while we're walking to class.

What did he just call me? I'm about to ask him just that.

"What?"

"What?" He asks feigning ignorance.

I roll my eyes, "I mean, what did you just call me?"

"I-"

"And why?" I quickly add.

"The first day we met, you were about to tell me your name outside when some girl interrupted. You said 'Ru'. So I figured it will be my nickname for you."

I hold back a smile because I'm surprised how he remembers the first day we met. Even what I said before I was interrupted. I assumed he didn't hear me.

"Whatever." I say trying really  to keep a straight face even when my insides are fluttering and my subconscious keeps going 'awwww' even when I mentally yell at her to stop.

"You're not trying to pull some thirteen reasons why shit right?" Thomas says, his face serious.

"Wow. He just cussed." is the first thing that comes but when I register his words... "WHAT?!"

"I mean- You know Hannah committed suicide and I'm curious if you tried using a rope or something." He rambles nervously and slows down at the end.

I laugh. No humour in it.  Wow. Now that was just plain out insensitive and I feel embarrassed.

"Is that what you think of me? Oh, you think someone in my shoes should commit suicide?" I scoff and roll my head back blinking a few times to stop the tears from falling. He tries to talk and I remove my hand which I didn't realise is still in his so I can raise a finger to silence him. "You think 'She is responsible for her father's death. If I were her, I'll commit suicide. So, she's probably thinking of suicide. Let me be the hero.' That's it, right?"

I don't wait for him to reply before I turn away to walk to class letting a tear drop and a few more before violently rubbing eyes to stop the tears. Why would he think of me like that? I thought I could trust him. I thought he was different. Now, he makes me feel like everyone makes me feel, a lost cause. I feel useless. What am I living for anyways? And to think I'm falling for him. How could I have been so stupid? The tiniest part of me that doesn't blame me for my father's death has now joined the others in blaming me. Well it's not his fault, I let my guard down.

Maybe I should just commit suicide. I don't have anything to live for. Anytime my mom is worried about money, I never miss the 'its your fault' look in her eyes even though she's never admitted it. Even family members give me the same look. Peter's probably going to get me killed anyways. Everybody might seem to care about me which I don't deny but I just know I'm a burden mostly. I'm not even brilliant so I'm just wasting money and being a burden to my mom. My brother is super brilliant so she should not miss me much. Maybe that's why Thomas drew back, I was probably getting too much for him with my attitude and emotions, even financially, I know he was probing his parents to help us.

I may just be acting all dramatic but I'm not strong enough to handle looks from family blaming me for his death. Not strong enough to handle Peter's threats. I'm not worth working hard for so as to pay my fees. Most of all, I'm not strong enough to handle a heartbreak.

With a new motive, I wait patiently for school to end of so I can feel the numbness and peace the books describe of your spirit leaving your body. I've always wanted to know what it feels like when a knife is going through you anyways.