letters to you

Five Months Without You

Does anyone remember Fizzy ?

She'd usually go live around noon in UK and I'd watch her talk softly and answer all the questions that her fans sent her . A lot of times she'd keep the Cera tilted to not show her face fully , only her hair , widespread on the bed would be visible . But she'd still be there , sitting and reading all the messages we sent her and answering and replying . I remember she answered one of mine too . Asked her if she was in Egypt to travel or she'd loved there to study , maybe ? She told me she was travelling by herself and was only there for the month . I loved hearing her answer . Her voice was soft , freshly plumped up lips rounding at every syllable smoothly and her accent heavy in her voice . I remember her mentioning she was going to end the live stream soon as she had to leave for Alexanderia in half an hour . I was sad and excited at the same time , waiting for her to come live again soon . But then I saw the pictures , she looked so thin but she said she was working out so I didn't make much of them but everyday my heart breaks thinking how different things were for my angel girl after Jay's passing , how she locked herself up in a cage inside of herself and refused to tak to anyone about her feelings . How she loved Jay so so so much that the pain of her going away made her numb to feeling anything for herself unconsciously .

I miss her constantly , she was supposed to publish her poetry , launch another round of her clothing , she was supposed to do so so so much before she left . Tomorrow , July 13, 2019 it'll be five months that we've passed without her amongst us and I can't help but feel wrong . Like it shouldn't have been her and it's wrong of me to further carry on living when she's so far far away . I'm not suicidal or anything even close , but the world doesn't feel right without her and I know for a fact that her passing away has altered me so much . I'm more open to life now more so than ever , accepting any and every chance of breathing and living and loving before my time rolls around too .

I miss Fizzy a lot . So much that I can't put all my feelings into words , but there's one thing I wish for her to know .

I love you Fizzy <3 so much that you not being here hurts every second and I would willingly in a second without a doubt trade my life for yours if it meant you could come down here again and be with your family .

I love you Félicité Grace Tomlinson

And I will always love you and miss you .

Hope you're happy with your mama in the clouds <3
Love ,
S