18 Going 19

03. Beautiful

I am never that beautiful girl in the class nor the one with clear skin, curvy body and silky hair. I am just that girl who has an umkempt hair, face covered with pimples and scars who laughs with her mouth wide open and share memes all day. I always been the joker but never been the muse.

I was fine with that but of course, I can't deny that there are times that I wished I was more pleasing to look at. I wished I also could be the one who can take no filter selfies, sunkissed kind of type photos or photos I can flaunt my beauty, but here I am stucked in the middle of inferiority complex unable to confidently and completely accept herself.

I was a victim of body shaming. I will always remember that time in my sophomore year where I became a center of attraction in my class because of my teacher commenting about my two erupting pimples at the opposite side of my cheeks forming a symmetry. Yes. It was funny. I also found it funny but there is also pain. And it doesn't stop there, when I was in my senior high school, I've also accepted jokes with regards to my face. Well, as a renowned joker of course I am expected to laugh it off and throw back insults I don't want to be that "pikon" or "short-tempered" in our group. But the truth is I could not laugh off, I could never laugh it off because I never wanted it.

I never wanted pimples to fester my face. People have this impression that I never really care about myself but I really do care and it hurts me that whatever method I do, I still get the same results. I do not do this just to be pretty or find a boyfriend or what not. I am doing this for myself. I want to redeem my confidence about myself. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be a better version of myself and I won't give up on myself. Because I only have the power to manage myself. I still suffer from acnes and honestly I haven't revive my self-esteem but I am in the process. Its been 5 years since I suffered from breakouts and I have nothing to lose and to be afraid of. I want to keep fighting and believe I am beautiful too.

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P.S. to myself.
Whenever you are in the verge of giving up. Read this and continue fighting. You can do it. Lovelots from you old self💕