The Heartbreak Club

Bigger Than Me

Producers chose ten of my readers to be featured on the show. We were filming the group setting that morning. We sat in a circle in my TV-set living room. Some on the couch, some on chairs, some holding pillows in their laps. Cozy.

"What does everyone want out of this experience?" I asked. The footage from that day would be used at the outset of the season, for promos and for the final episode.

"Closure," Adam said. He snapped and waved. "I'm starting to see I was lucky to get him out of my life and now, I just want him out of my head." Several others expressed agreement and support. The girls all loved Adam.

"Yeah, I want to know that my story is helping someone else," Elise said. "I just remember reading your story and," she tried not to cry, "it changed everything. In the darkest moment, when I was alone, suddenly I wasn't alone anymore."

I nodded. That's what it was all about. Even when much of the publicity felt exploited, the roots were genuine. It was bigger than me.

"I think that a heartbreak like I experienced starts way before we meet the person," Alesha began. She was in her mid twenties and had been among the first subscribers. "What was it about me that would put that much of my own meaning in another person?" she shrugged.

"But I still think that when you love, you should love completely," Elise said.

It couldn't have been better if it were professionally scripted.

"Will you give your heart again?" I asked.

"Oof, umm, erm," the group responded with sound effects.

"First of all, I did not give my heart," Adam said. "It was stolen by a fraud. A fraud-ass B."

The girls squealed with laughter and agreement.

"What about you, Emma? Do you see yourself loving again?"

I gulped and looked into the camera.

"Yes. I think so."

"If anyone deserves it, it's you. Someone better treat our girl right!" Adam was my champion.

Later, in my dressing room I had a text from Tony, "It's my nonna's b-day this weekend. Will you come to dinner? It might be her last, but no pressure."

"Of course." That meant I had to send another response about dinner on Saturday. That was easy enough. "Nope." The surge of power felt good.

"K," Caden's response irked me. I guess I'd wanted him to beg. Sigh.

Tony's parent's house was traditional American with undertones of the old country. The kid's school photos hung in the hallway with a crucifix at the end. The cherrywood dining table was big enough to seat everyone and in their family, that meant twelve. It was just as he'd described.

"Emma, I knew your dad at his first job," Anthony Sr told me. "Good guy. Great litigator." He looked at Tony, "if it was passed down, you're in big trouble."

"She's sassy," Tony said.

"Sassy? No. Her dad dismantles the opposition. And that's when they're in the right."

I laughed.

"I bet you didn't argue with your dad much growing up," he said. I shook my head. I'd avoided arguments with dad since I could remember. "Not like this one," he pointed at Tony.

"Now that kid's always been a brat," his uncle piped up.

"No, mio angelo," his grandmother reached for his hand. My angel.

"Over 50 years in America, ma. Speak English!" Anthony scolded. The entire family burst into laughter.

After cake, Tony walked me to the park a few blocks away. We sat in swings.

"They're a tough crowd," he said. "What are your family dinners like?"

"My dad brings up whatever controversy is on his mind and challenges anyone to disagree with his view."

"That sounds fun."

"He has a sense of humor, I guess. There's a lot of us, so it gets heated, but with love."

"You have a big family too? But you don't look Italian," we laughed.

"Irish Catholic."

"That'll do it," he said. "Guilt and tradition."

He took my hand and pulled me to sit on his knee. I leaned into him, his arms wrapped around me. His skin was smooth, his eyes sparkled, his chest was a brick wall, he smelled like wood fire on the beach. When he kissed me that evening, it was different. I heard Adam's question in my mind, "do you see yourself loving again?"

"You're the most amazing girl I've ever known," he whispered as he held me.

"You said I'm sassy."

"That's a compliment."

"I'll take it," I wanted to kiss him again. I held his ears and pulled him close.

"You avoiding telling me how you feel?"

"What? No." I hadn't realized he was asking. He stared into my eyes. How did I feel? "I feel scared."

"Of what?" He was gently touching my hair, sending fire through me. "Hurting again."

"Emma, you didn't see that coming?"

"What do you mean?" I didn't like the feelings starting to percolate inside.

"Nothing that happened was about you," he said. I was thoroughly confused. "You met what's his name when he was just out of college, right?" I nodded. "He took a job in entertainment in the city," he mocked the term.

"Yeah."

"He wasn't ready to be serious and he didn't deserve you."

"And you do?"

He nodded.

"Love means you know there's something bigger than yourself to focus on. I'm not distracted by those lights," he gestured toward the city. "Just the light I see in you. The flames."

That made me smile. We walked a few yards away where the grass was soft under the trees. He removed his shirt and lay it down for me to recline on. His muscles were so defined, they cast shadows on his skin. I couldn't resist, I ran my hands all over him. He kissed me softly at first, then harder and harder until I was nearly screaming. He stopped and looked in my eyes. That time, I knew what he wanted - my answer.

"I'm falling in love with you," my voice was a moan.

"Don't be scared," his lips were on my neck.